not going anywhere

001

!!QUICK TW: panic attacks!!

It had been a shit day, well, it had been a shit couple of weeks but today was just seeming to be especially bad. 

The day seemed like it should be good, but it just... didn't feel like it. Her mental health had been rapidly getting worse over the past couple of weeks and she felt like she couldn't do anything about it. 

She had gotten off work early today, 1:45 to be exact. She felt like getting off work early should be a good thing but in reality, it just meant she had nothing to do and more time to... think. So when Kara had texted her at 2:30 asking if she wanted to go to the beach, she almost didn't hesitate. Almost being the fact that she couldn't bring herself to get out of her bed and get ready.

She had texted Kara back saying 'sure, see you in 10?' despite her inner conflict and slowly lifted herself out of her bed. She changed into a pair of ripped jeans and one of the sweatshirts that Kara had left at her apartment before heading to the bathroom and looking at herself in the mirror, god she was a mess. Her makeup had stayed surprisingly fine but her hair was in serious need of fixing, her normal high ponytail askew with hairs sticking out. 

She sighed and reached for her hair, pulling the elastic out with a slight wince as it made it's way through the tangles in her hair. She flipped her head upside down and gathered all of her hair into the neatest ponytail she could muster and went to pull the elastic around it. However, when she tried to tie it around her ponytail, the elastic snapped, flying across the room. She cursed and felt her breathing speed up slightly. It was okay, she would just get another one, it would be fine, she told herself as she grabbed another elastic from the drawer in her bathroom. 

She repeated the process, pulling her hair back up, confident that this elastic would survive, it was new, it had to. She pulled the elastic around once.. okay it would be fin- she began to say in her head before being brutally proved wrong.  The second elastic snapped with a violent 'pop' and flew across the room. For Lena, this was the last fucking straw, she felt a mix of anger and panic alike flood her veins before slowly sinking to the floor, her hair all over the place. 

Usually, something like this wouldn't be a big deal, but today she just couldn't handle it. She brought her knees to her chest and attempted to breathe normally, unsuccessfully only letting out short gasps. 

She felt tears begin to soak through the holes in her jeans as she rocked back and forth slightly, trying to control her breathing. She tried and tried but it seemed it was only getting worse, slight sobs escaping when she wasn't gasping for air. She was unaware of her surroundings, the only thing in her mind being... she didn't even know. 

This caused her to not notice the worried footsteps searching the apartment, or the door being opened. It caused her not to notice Kara, her girlfriend, leaning down with worried eyes and asking what was wrong. She couldn't communicate, her breathing still coming out in heaves. 

"Can I touch your arm?" Kara asks lightly and Lena must've nodded because Kara  hand landed on her arm lightly and was rubbing back and forth. 

"Lena baby, I need you to breathe for me okay?" Kara said in a comforting tone that she saved especially for her girlfriend. "In through your nose, out through your mouth, can you do that baby?" Kara asked gently. 

Lena tried, she really did, but it seemed that she just couldn't, she couldn't get herself to breathe properly. Her head was spinning and every time she went to lift it, a dizzy spell came over her. Kara seemed to understand this instantaneously and opted to just calmly rub her back instead. 

They just sat there for a few minutes, completely silent barring Lena's occasional gasps that seemed to be getting further apart, and finally, after what was probably ten minutes, her breathing seemed to calm down a bit and she was able to finally take a deep breath. 

Kara smiled lightly as Lena looked up at her, wiping a stray tear off of Lena's cheek. They made eye contact for a split second before Lena was surging forward into Kara's arms who, despite having no warning caught her easily. She felt Kara's hand rubbing her back again and cuddled further into her girlfriends chest, now both completely laid out on the floor of the bathroom. 

After a few more minutes, Kara finally decided to speak. "you don't have to, but if you're comfortable, do you mind telling me what happened?" Kara asks, the small comforting smile never leaving her face. Lena nods slight and takes a shaky breath in.  

"I-I don't even know to be completely honest, I just- I was trying to put my hair up and my elastic snapped twice and I just- I couldn't handle it anymore" Lena explains, tears threatening to escape her eyes again. Kara kissed her on the forehead, 

"Have you been okay lately?" She asks lightly, having a feeling she already knew the answer.

"No" Lena answers honestly, her mind screaming at her to just say yes, to lie, to pretend like it's okay, but she couldn't fucking pretend anymore. 

"Oh babe, why didn't you tell me?" Kara asks, not judgmentally, only comforting. 

"I-I didn't wanna bother you" Lena admits, at that a small frown forms on Kara's lips.

"you could never bother me lee, especially with your mental health, I love you and there is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing that could stop or change that" Kara says, looking Lena directly in the eyes the whole time. 

Lena nods, feeling tears well up in her eyes for a completely different reason. Kara smiles and places a chaste kiss to Lena's lips,

"I want you to tell me if you're struggling, no matter what okay? you don't have to go through everything alone" Kara says caringly, "now, do you still wanna go to the beach? A walk might be good?" Kara questions, smiling brightly as Lena nods and begins to slowly lift herself off of the floor. "and Lena?" she says quickly,

"hmm?" Lena replies, turning around to face her now standing girlfriend. Kara links their hands,

"You don't have to be afraid, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere"