Flash Fiction #6 Holiday Spirit

I'm sorry I...

76PurpleHearts4Life

Walking into the house I sigh as I look around. It's the 15th of December. If I was still living at home, I would have been greeted by a festive wreath on the door as soon as I climbed the porch stairs. The smell of cinnamon spiced gingerbread would have assaulted me as soon as I opened the door. Holiday music and the twinkle of lights would brighten my other senses as I walked from the foyer to the living room. I pull off my shoes and place them on the shoe rack before continuing into the living room. I'm met with the warm body of my fiancé as he pulls me into a warm hug. I kiss his cheek as I breathe in his vanilla scent.

"Hi Tae."

"Hi Kookie, welcome home. How was your day?"

"It was good. Long but good. How about you? How was writing?"

"It was awesome! I got another chapter done. I forwarded it to Joon and Yoongs they can edit and do the illustrations for me."

"I'm sure it will be great. Just like all of the other ones."

I take a deep breath as I look at him preparing myself.

"You know, maybe next year you should try doing a Christmas book. I'm sure the children that love your stories would love it."

As expected, Tae tenses as soon as the word Christmas comes out of my mouth. He frowns as he pulls away.

"Kookie... you know how I... never mind I just can't okay. I'm going to heat up dinner. Are you hungry?"

I watch as he walks into the kitchen before heading into our bedroom and changing into comfortable clothes. I glance out the back door as I walk out of the room. I pull on my boots, grabbing my coat and a blanket as I walk outside. Covering Tae with the blanket, I kneel next to him in the snow wrapping his shaking body in my arms. He turns and buries his face in my neck as he cries.

I let my eyes roam over the memorial that he created in our yard under the loan evergreen that grows here. Until two years ago this tree as well as the rest of our house used to be decorated beautifully for Christmas. It was our favorite holiday. How much can change in the blink of an eye.

"Why Kookie... I just. I don't understand. He... he was..."

"Shhh love, just breathe for me."

I continue to hold him as I rub his back as he makes a strong effort to control his emotions. He pulls back, taking a deep breath. Turning back toward the memorial he brushes snow from the photo that sits there. Picking up the photo his tears drop helping the snow and ice melt revealing the picture of Tae's brother and heavily pregnant wife.

"You know if he hadn't been trying to get here for dinner they would still be here. Why did I insist on them joining us? I knew the snow was heavy. Why am I so selfish!"

"Stop! It was not your fault! No one could have known that a semi was going to lose control and slam into their car head on. No one could have known we would lose them on Christmas day. It's not your fault! I know you blame yourself, but you shouldn't. It's no one's fault."

I hold him tight as he breaks down again. My eyes light onto the headline of the newspaper article that is still sitting in its frame.

'...Young couple perishes in a horrible accident on this snowy Christmas day.'

I think back to that morning as we waited for them to arrive. Tae's parents were singing carols in front of the tree as I made a batch of cider in the kitchen. We were having non-alcoholic versions only since Song and Badamul were celebrating with us even though she is seven months pregnant with their first child. Tae's older brother was a doctor and very happy to have some time off to celebrate and visit with us.

I remember the argument He and Tae had about us picking them up from the airport. He insisted on getting a rental. This way they could move around freely without having to bother either us or their parents.

I wish it was an argument that Tae had won.

"I'm sorry Kookie. I know I've ruined your joy for Christmas. I just... I can't find the same love for it anymore."

I take a deep breath as I stand lifting him into my arms. Carrying him back into the house I set him on the couch still wrapped in the blanket. Taking off my coat and boots I make us each a hot toddy heavy on the rum and join him there.

I sit down pulling him into my lap as we share a soft kiss. We settle into each other as I put on his favorite jazz station that is decidedly not playing Christmas music. We cuddle each other as we sip our drinks. I'm forever grateful to have him. I cherish all of our moments. The good and the bad. I do still love Christmas, but I can make do without the festivities as long as I have him. I have come to terms with the fact that this may never change. If it does, it won't go back to what it was. After suffering such a huge loss I'm sure of one thing.

Christmas will never be the same for him, but I will continue to carry him through.