i was screaming your name through the radio. | skk

Chapter 9: If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had to Do Was Ask

Early September, Four Months and Three Weeks Until the Release of Arahabaki

Chuuya understands that a lot of people probably like the crystalline clear water and pristine white sand beaches at the resort he and Tachihara are staying at. But frankly, Chuuya finds it a little bit creepy and greatly prefers the beaches in L.A. where the water looks normal and the beach looks lived in. He can't believe it's someone's actual job here to rake the sand to make it look perfect every morning.

The all-inclusive resort on the Gulf of Mexico makes up for any beach deficits in privacy though. He and Tachihara have just been treated like normal guests, there hasn't been any fuss. The other guests have kept to themselves as well. It's been the most relaxing trip Chuuya has probably had in his entire life.

Or it would be, if Chuuya could fully relax. But no matter what he does he can't get the words how does it feel to be an absolute failure? out of his head.

He should be celebrating. After endless months of working himself to the brink Port Mafia Records had come out on top resoundingly. They'd picked up a slew of talented new artists by acquiring The Guild. They'd seemingly made peace with the ADA. Any lingering doubts about PMR's reputation in the music industry had been squashed. Chuuya should be ecstatic.

Instead, he's even more on edge than he'd been before. Despite the professional victory, Chuuya feels...unsettled. He's angry, obviously, but that's typical, especially when it came to dealing with Dazai. Dazai being an asshole is something he'd expected. Anger didn't even begin to cover the spectrum of emotions Chuuya is feeling though.

Performing together had been something like out of a dream, or a memory rather. Chuuya has played many shows without Dazai, played with so many other people all over the world. He'd always loved playing music live, it's always made him feel incredible despite anything else going on.

It isn't that he'd forgotten how different it was singing with Dazai, it was more that he'd forced himself not to dwell on it. It had been painful, wishing for something he couldn't have, even back when he was playing with The Black Lizards and he'd thought their separation was only temporary. Then after Dazai had left he'd tried to push all those moments on stage behind him, to move towards the future.

Then he'd played Corruption again for the first time live in over five years and Dazai had sang What does it mean to be human? I'll make you be human while looking him in the eyes, and Chuuya had been brutally reminded why he'd never really even fell a little bit out of love with him. To be known, to be understood, it's a heady thing. Chuuya hadn't been able to look away.

Naturally, things had turned to shit shortly after that, as things involving Dazai tended to. Perhaps Chuuya should have expected Dazai to be angry after the stunt Chuuya had pulled with the duet of Play Me a Song, the choice had been slightly vindictive.

But their fight after the fundraiser had been different, Chuuya had felt out of control with the things he'd said. He didn't even really mean them, or he did but not exactly in the way that he'd said them. He does think Dazai's music could be different, better really, but that's because he thinks Dazai is capable of masterpieces but refuses to put in the effort.

Dazai's taunts had felt like he'd found Chuuya's Achilles' heel, torn it wide open and then spit in the wound gleefully. Chuuya remembers his rage after their argument last March, how he'd burned with anger. This time it isn't the anger that's keeping him in this state of unease, it's the lingering sense of doubt.

Chuuya just keeps coming back to the question: what if Dazai was right?

He's grateful that Tachihara is here with him. Michizou hadn't questioned Chuuya's request to go on a spontaneous vacation, despite being in the middle of recording an album. He'd agreed right away and hadn't brought up the reason they were there once. He'd embraced their vacation wholeheartedly, content to laze around on the beach and drink the frozen cocktails the staff walked around offering.