poems

i want to leave

i cannot think for myself anymore,
i cannot make a decision,
you have controlled me,
my every thought was yours,
and now I do not know how,
how to live without being controlled,
because you,
you forced me into a box.

i could not move,
i could not breathe,
i could not think,
i did not know how to call out for help,
because you would never let me know,
how I could think for myself.

you pushed me around,
and I let you.

you twisted my thoughts,
and I let you.

you broke me down,
and I let you.

i was unaware,
i was naive,
i didn't know how to live without your approval.

and now I know,
i know what you are doing,
i know how you manipulate me,
i see the patterns in your lies,
i see the trickery in your eyes,
but I am dependant,
i do not have a job,
and I need an education,
you provide these things for me,
and if I called you out on all your trickery,
you would let me go,
and then I would starve on the streets.

i cannot leave,
but I do not wish to stay.

you will hurt me,
break my mind into millions of pieces,
then crush every last thought I ever had of leaving,
you will make me feel guilty,
as if it was all my fault,
that I shouldn't have thought for myself,
because when I do bad things happen.

my anxiety traps me,
my depression cripples me,
but the cuts on my body calm my racing thoughts,
the cuts on my arms,
the cuts on my legs,
i do not know how to stop you,
i do not know how to leave,
i do not know how I can survive until you are out of my life.

but I need you,
you give me food,
you buy my clothes,
you shelter me,
and give me my education.

i should be grateful.

but I don't know how,
when all you do,
is throw me to the ground when I am not exceptional.

how could I leave you?
after all you've done for me?

but how could I stay?
after all that you've done to me?