A Beautiful Smile

IV

It was a rainy morning, I had an apprehension of losing her. She dressed me for school, her eyes looked like she had cried at night. I thought she was angry because of me. I did not want to go to school that day, nor her to go the office. Her yesterday's words were running in my mind, what if she really brings any son. When my school bus arrived father was busy with his daily morning rituals, mother took me to it, while boarding I cleared her to my fear,

"Mom, don't bring any son from the market, I'll drink milk regularly".

I do not remember exactly whether she was smiling and waving hands like every day or she was crying. In the afternoon when I returned, father was sitting on the dining chair and he looked angry. I asked him whether mom too has come early, he gazed at me like a lion ready to tear me apart. I thought maybe he is angry because of some office work, so I went to my room. Evening changed into the night, and the clock's hand had crossed the anxiety mark, forcing me to go to father again and enquire. He was still there sitting on a chair in dim light but had changed clothes.

"Is mother still occupied in office, father? Why she hasn't come? I'm feeling hungry... "

"She won't come. Your mummy does not love you. She won't come. "

"But I ate my lunch, I promised her in the morning I would not trouble her. "

I feel now how childish I was, not grasping what father intended and saying everything in one line, but of course, I was a kid those days, beguiling me by words was easy.

"She is gone",

"Father, Is she gone to market to buy a new son? Father, will you help me to make him run away?"

"Stop pestering me, go and sleep."

"Father, I can't sleep without..."

"You swine, just get off from my sight", it was the first time father had beaten me, a dozen slaps, then took off his belt, its touch on the skin was severe, three or four times it fell on me, and in the morning I found me in the bedroom. For the next few days, I speculated two things hard, first, who saved me from father, as mother was gone so excluded from my saviour's list, then who took me to the bedroom? Second, what does 'swine' mean?

The day she went everything lost its tang; me to father, and somewhat father to me also. Even this contagious disease too has not succeeded in catching much attention neither from me nor father.

It always felt to me that the air of Jammu is gloomy, and evenings possess the power to raise the dead memories. This album in which I see my mother mocks me, I need its help to recapture her face. It is true, I forget sometimes how she looks, and it is obvious, one forgets even the beautiful ones. I always had a presumption that I knew my mother, but after that sudden act, I realized I do not know enough.

Father was rough those days, he talked less, ate less and slept less, and spent most of his time in the office. He enrolled me in a day-boarding school, where I stayed till six, one hour extra. It is in these extra hours I made a friend, who belongs to my locality, he was also kept an extra hour as his father gets free at six. He is familiar with my mother's disappearance much more than me. He said he knows because his mother and her friends talk about my mother.

"What do they talk? "

"She eloped with a guy, even she had a kid."

"Which kid?"

"Idiot! you."

I was not aware of this new word— elope, so I asked him, what does elope mean, he told me its meaning, "bhaag gyi..." stressing that he forgets I'm his junior and would not know these big words. Then, I asked him the meaning of swine, he said, he does not know,

"Maybe, this word is taught in upper grade, that's why-",

Slowly, I started liking him because he daily told me the stories about my mother that he had heard from his own mother, "Your mother never loved you, Lakshy."

"But she said she loved me a lot."

"It's their trick, they think us we are kid, so they say and forget. Never believe elders. "

"Do you think my mother will return to me? "

"She won't, she has gone miles away, to a different state."

"With whom?"

"With another man like your father."

"Pulkit, could you ask your mom more about my mother?"

"Yes, I will try to listen closely."

Every day, I share my thoughts and he told me whatever he heard from his mother. Sometimes, we both devised plans to retrieve mother, whichever place she is in, and choose action heroes for that purpose. The thought of her getting back was happiness to me those days.

Soon he started clearing all my doubts, he told me, it was his action-hero who saved me when father was beating me. I insisted on this defending my superhero. Then one day he took the help of a second-grade pal to know the meaning I'd asked him.

"It means, a pig!"
"A pig? Why would my father say that,"

How do I know this, he replied, but after a minute he spoke again,

"Lakshy, it seems not right, your father is angry, if you don't do what he says he'll leave you. And you know, it's tough for a KG boy to live alone."

This scared me a lot, I built a new habit of agreeing with father. I questioned myself several times why I cultivated this habit, is it love for him or the survival thing?

One day, I asked my friend, what would be the reason for eloping my mother?

He said, "You know it happens when a wife works in the office in spite of doing house chores."

"How do you know?"

"My mother said."

Soon, his father got transferred, his last day he told me that he is going to the other state and if my mother would be there, he would tell her that I miss her. This reduced the pain of losing a friend who provides me solace. I waited for a few days but as the days passed I recalled "never believe elders" and then stopped waiting.