The Call of The Sea

George: 28th May

I am a complete and utter fool. My obtuse belief that no one would ever be happy with my life has made me push her away. I shall lay it out here exactly as it happened, for I worry that she is forever lost to me now.

As soon as I had left James and Caterina (they had asked about Emilie's hasty exit, but as they were so wound up in each other, I doubt they noticed my response), I went back to the ship.

When I was in the park with her in my grasp, I had been filled with the thought that I could never offer Emilie the life that she deserved. It angered me. Whatever the flirtation was, it was bound to end, I was sure. I could never ask her to be mine as it was not the course she was destined for.

But wasn't I an example of destiny being changed? Because I followed my heart and took a chance. Could I ask Emilie to do the same? She was a bright girl and I knew she sought more than the simple day to day life. Did I have the courage to believe in her?

After about an hour of pondering the subject, I came to the conclusion that I had to at least apologise for my behaviour from the park. Although my sense of duty was correct, I had hurt her. Whether I would have the courage to ask her to come away with me was a total different matter.

I sent a note to James, who had mentioned he was attending a ball that night. As they were of the same social station, I hoped it would be the same event. Thankfully, after I had explained myself, James agreed to take me to the ball as well.

I was glad that he was not involved in his rediscovery of Caterina to the degree that he was abandoning the ball all together. But then, she had always enjoyed dancing.

I had to beg borrow and steal an appropriate evening suit. Years had passed since I had worn a suit and gone to a proper ball with 'dignified civilisation', and I had never had more than one in the first place.

Even as I stepped into the carriage James had brought over, dressed in the ill-fitting dress suit he had leant me, these questions still twisted and turned around my head. Concluding that I would tell Emilie that our relationship could not continue, I wasn't sure whether I could survive such a speech. However, I knew I needed to do it for her. I had to let her go.

Caterina was elegantly dressed as usual, in a scarlet gown that set fire to her beautiful body. Yet her beauty was ignited further by a simple fact; she was happy. I could now see how unhappy she had been. Grasping James' hand as if she would never let go and looking at him adoringly, I smiled to myself. At least this afternoon had achieved one positive thing.

James smiled at Caterina before turning to me. "Are you alright old chap? You look away from it all this evening."

I smiled across at him. "I am well James, just unaccustomed to these sorts of events."

James chortled. "I imagine. We have not been out together in years. And you still haven't told me why you wanted to go to this ball so desperately."

"Emilie is attending. She said earlier that I should meet her at the ball if I ever wished to see her again. After everything..."

James raised an eyebrow. "Everything?"

"I told her about my life."

James smiled. "Ah, so your past is all revealed."

I leaned forward and put my head in my hands, aware I was likely distressing my hair but not caring one whit. "I have never told any woman that story James. I must be out of my mind."

James leaned forward with a smile. "Yes, my dear friend, you are out of your mind. That's what love does to you."

"I am not in love with her." I replied vehemently in an attempt to make the words hold an ounce of truth. "I thought I could be, but it is not meant to be. In fact, I believe I should end the flirtation as soon as possible; it is not good for either of us."