𝗣𝗨𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗧 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪. MO DAO ZU SHI

CHAPTER ONE ━ STRINGS OF HEARTACHE

hai-feng sat in the pit that has become his world, the only decorations are his own nail marks on the walls he can not see. though he knows there is light at the top, it feels a million miles away and were it not for him being down there with him, hai-feng wouldn't even try.

every time he reaches out with love to someone up there, someone he hopes can throw a rope, the floor sinks a little lower, jolting his body as it stops - crushing him with a new pain, another abandonment. grief comes in waves, at first they're so strong hai-feng felt as if he had been swept away. they come at such random moments replacing a feeling of normalcy with his familiar tears.

in this heartache the sun won't shine, the songs of birds pass as if the melody can't glide through the air as it once did before. a heartache is a whole body response, from the stress systems to the heart and brain function. people are born to make loving bonds and to suffer when they break.

to love is a risk, one hai-feng and lan wangji took together when they both decided to love wei wuxian. but thirteen years ago, the man they loved died leaving them in an unspeakable state of grief, despair, and longing. there comes times in living that transform people, and all one can do is chose how they are changed.

do you rise up and accept the warrior spirt or not? for the pain will always come whether you're ready or not, the grief is absolute. the old self is burned clear away and the new self steps forward. but what if hai-feng isn't ready to take that step? he doesn't want to move away from wei wuxian but he knows he can no longer stay in the past.

lan wangji tries his best to push past the pain, to move forward, to prevent himself from falling too far into his thoughts but hai-feng could tell the man was hurting just as much as he was. they were both suffering in silence. and even though the members of the gusu lan clan offered him encouraging smiles between passings, he could always tell that something else lay hidden beneath them.

pity maybe. hai-feng wasn't blind nor was he deaf. he was aware of what some of the members thought of his relationship with lan wangji and wei wuxian. he was aware that not everyone supported it but he didn't care because he had them by his side. but now...

"hai-feng."

the delicate brush of a thumb upon his cheek broke the spell he found himself under. the young man started, hazel eyes trailing up the delicate fabric of white robes before resting upon his partner's face.

"lan wangji."

the man was beautiful, with fair skin and black hair. golden eyes and long eyelashes that would put any woman to shame. a white forehead ribbon of the gusu lan clan topped it all off. hai-feng questioned more than once how he was lucky to have lan wangji by his side. at least he hadn't lost him too, who knows what the man might have done if he were to lose both of his partners.

"what troubles you?" lan wangji inquired.

hai-feng shook his head, leaning into his partner's hand that had shifted to gently cup his cheek.

"do not pull away from me," the other pleaded, refusing to drop his piercing gaze.

a million emotions floated within lan wangji's irises. worry being far more present than the rest. try as much as he'd like to cover the emotion, hai-feng could tell when he was distressed just as lan wangji could tell when he was disheartened.

"you know how wei wuxian used to say that i was made to do great things? what if that's no longer true? i keep trying to find my place next to the sun. i try every day, work for what i want and need, but..." he paused for a moment, his throat beginning to close. "the path i used to see so clearly in the past isn't there anymore lan wangji. what am i supposed to do?"

he felt a pair of arms around him before the warmth of a solid body was pressed against his. hai-feng let his body sag, his muscles became loose. lan wangji held him, and although nothing was said the message was clear. i'm here. as the arms tightened around his frame, hai-feng buried his face in the man's shoulder.

"we live on," lan wangji replied. "that's all we can do. for now, we should get ready for the cleansing."