One of those Feelings

Why do I still love him?

His eyes that used to dance like million stars on fire now looks dead at me. The boredom in his eyes prove that I will never find in him the one thing that I seek- his affection.

In an effort to put a stop to the thoughts running in my head, I wipe the tears streaming down my face and gather all my strength to get up and walk towards the mirror. I feel a pang of pity for the girl I see in the mirror, hair in mess and face all puffed up from the crying. I try smiling at her hoping that might give her some strength. She smiles back at me too, her face still wet, reminding me of the times he went speechless seeing my smile. I hang my head as I can feel my thoughts go trackless again.

I still remember the way he used to hold my hands tightly against his chest. Now he flinches with even the slightest contact my skin makes with him. His eyes once sparkled with thousand emotions on meeting mine, but now he doesn't even want to look at me.

From admiring my beauty for hours to filling up his emptiness with my body I realize how his love has died. Maybe it died long ago but I was a fool to not accept it. Maybe it died at those times when I failed to provide his nature's needs or when I wasn't in a situation to help him through his mental breakdown. Maybe it could be that day he saw through all my masks and found the ugliness inside. Maybe all my scars showed him all the wounds and pain I had to endure and that freaked him out.

I guess I am not enough for him, maybe I never was. I am not as pretty as the other girls who catch his attention. I am not as hot as the girls he sees in Instagram. I am not attractive as the girls he meets at the gym. I am not loaded enough to buy him stuffs he need. I am not foolish enough to forgive him for the pain he causes and immediately make up with him. I am not brave enough to not miss him during hard times. I am not selfless enough to mold myself in accordance to his taste. I am and was never enough.

Am pretty sure, as human beings we all tend to move towards better and the best. But I never expected it would be the same in relationships too.

It is true that familiarity breeds contempt. All of my faults didn't matter much to him and he was blind to them at the beginning of our relationship, but the moment he realized it's with these flaws that he has to live with, he wants to step back. More the time he spends with me, more he wants to stay away. The more he gets to know about me, the more I become uninteresting. The more I saturate him with my love, the more I become invalid.

My need to be with him turns out to be clingy and the questions I ask out of concern seems to be nagging. My sweet love talk he once longed for has now become cringey. My innocence once he liked is now something that makes me not worth him. And every-time I try talking about all these with him, it seems like a torture to him.

I guess It's like this in most relationships. Two people meet, fall in love, learn about each other, see their flaws, loose interest and end up as two people with just memories.