"I'd rather lose somebody than use somebody
Maybe it's a blessing in disguise (I sold my soul for you)
I see my reflection in your eyes (tell me you see it too)
So close, so close
Yet so far away (so far)"
-
Anxiety.
It's hard to believe but, in some cases, anxiety is actually a good thing. A healthy amount of anxiety is essential for survival and dealing with common stressors throughout life. However, when dealing with high anxiety levels consistently and having no healthy coping mechanisms, the amygdala enlarges.
The amygdala is in charge of regulating emotions, but when it's enlarged, it becomes increasingly dysfunctional. An enlarged amygdala will send false alarms of panic throughout the nervous system. When this happens, the body goes spiraling into fight or flight mode for no specific reason. And due to those constant false alarms, the rest of the brain's functions begin to dissipate as well.
In short, chronic anxiety leads to structural degeneration of the brain.
When people say anxiety is crippling, they're not lying. It's the brain falling apart at the very seams. When trauma is thrown into the mix, the results are catastrophic.
Anxiety and trauma are brain damage. And yes, there is a point of no return. The brain is powerful, but it can only take so much before finally snapping.
I wonder when I'll reach that point.
And for a moment, my chaotic mind thinks of Harry. I haven't seen him in over a week. No texts, no calls, and I haven't seen him at work. He's just completely disappeared.
-
I'm not too fond of hospitals. They make me feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any given moment. I feel like screaming and crawling out of my skin. I've never had a single good experience in a hospital. Everyone I have lost has taken their last breaths in a fucking stretcher.
Things are different now, I try telling myself. No one's going to die today, no one's going to be murdered, and I know that. Even knowing that, that doesn't stop my heart rate from going crazy, or my palms from sweating, on my pupils from expanding.
Anxiety.
It's a fucking nuisance.
"The inner critic is loud today, huh?" My head snaps up, and my eyes find Julies. She smiles – soft, beautiful. I take a deep breath and nod. "You can leave, Als. I know this must be hard. I'll be okay by myself."
"No," I shake my head and sit up straighter in my seat. "No way am I leaving."
Maggie, who's sitting in Julie's lap, lifts her arms and makes grabby hands towards me. "Allie," she wines.
Smiling at Maggie, my wild heart rate begins to ease. I stand up and walk to the examination table where they're sitting, and I grab Maggie, throwing her up into the air slightly. Her infectious, pure-hearted, and unblemished laughter filters through the room.
I swear that laugh is all I'll ever need.
Then, I hug her tight and sway us back and forth a bit dramatically. I love her laugh, but I especially love her hugs. When her small arms wrap around my neck, my shoulders slump, and I squeeze her a little tighter. I know that I'll never love someone as much as I love this little girl.
When a nurse walks in the room with a friendly smile, I take a seat, and Maggie sits in my lap, swaying her feet back and forth. When the nurse starts making conversation with Julie, Maggie leans back and whispers in my ear, "I think Cheddar wants a friend."
I scoff. "Oh yeah? Did he tell you that?"
"Yup! He told me this morning before we left."
I roll my eyes. "We're not getting another cat, Mags." She pouts when I say this.
"But whyyyy?"
"Because I said so," I counter.
She puffs out her cheeks and purses her lips. She crosses her arms, and her little eyebrows pinch together as she lets out a defiant "hmph."
Shit. I force myself to look away, biting my lips as I resist a smile. She knows she can get anything she wants with just a look. I'll do anything to make her stop pouting, and she knows that. But, before I can give in, the nurse interprets us.
"Hello," the nurse says, looking at Maggie with a soft look in her eyes. "What's your name, honey?"
Maggie waves a little shyly. "Hi. 'm Maggie."
The nurse waves back cutely before looking at me. "Is this your daughter? She's beautiful."
I smile and shake my head. This wasn't an unusual question I got, so, politely, I corrected her. "No, this is my little sister, actually."
"Well, the two of you are absolutely beautiful," the nurse states. Before getting started, the nurse walks over to the desk in the room and grabs a lollipop out from a jar. "Maggie, would you like a lollypop?"
I look down at her pump. Her blood sugar is a little on the low side, so I nod and take the lollipop from the nurse and begin opening it for Maggie.
Maggie loves candy, but she can't have it often. That's why, when she can have candy, she always gets so excited. It's the cutest thing, seeing her trying to contain herself.
The nurse gets to work shortly after I hand the hard candy over to Maggie. The nurse lifts Julie's shirt and folds the fabric right below her breast, revealing Julie's stomach. My eyes go wide when I see the slight bump. I hadn't noticed she was showing a bit until now.
I honestly still can't believe she's pregnant. This feels like a fever dream. I always expected Julie to find a nice guy, fall in love, get married and have this big over the top wedding, and then have kids. I mean, that's always been what she's told me she's wanted, but I guess that plan is out the window.
Julies breath stutters when the nurse applies a blue, cold gel to her stomach, making the nurse laugh a bit. A few moments after, the nurse begins the ultrasound, pressing and smearing the instrument into her skin.
"What's that?" Maggie suddenly asks the nurse with her head tilted.
Chuckling at the six-year-old curiosity, the nurse explains, "Well, this is an ultrasound."
But, little does this woman know, this little girl is just like me. She doesn't like simple answers. She wants to know everything. Down to the nitty-gritty details — details she probably won't even understand.
"What does it do?" Maggie questions.
"Well, an ultrasound shows us the image of the baby in Mrs. Julie's tummy."
Maggie's eyes go impossibly wide. "There's a baby in your tummy Aunty J?"
Everyone in the room laughs at this. "Yup," Julie nods. "I have a baby in my tummy."
Maggie waves. "Hi, baby in Julies, tummy."
She's so fucking cute.
In fact, she's so cute; Julie's eyes fill with unshed tears that she tries to hide. I love the way she loves Maggie.
![Tribulation [h.s]](https://img.wattpad.com/cover/273357399-64-k351134.jpg)