Tribulation [h.s]

35

"I'd rather lose somebody than use somebody
Maybe it's a blessing in disguise (I sold my soul for you)
I see my reflection in your eyes (tell me you see it too)
So close, so close
Yet so far away (so far)"

-
Anxiety.

It's hard to believe but, in some cases, anxiety is actually a good thing.  A healthy amount of anxiety is essential for survival and dealing with common stressors throughout life. However, when dealing with high anxiety levels consistently and having no healthy coping mechanisms, the amygdala enlarges.

The amygdala is in charge of regulating emotions, but when it's enlarged, it becomes increasingly dysfunctional. An enlarged amygdala will send false alarms of panic throughout the nervous system. When this happens, the body goes spiraling into fight or flight mode for no specific reason. And due to those constant false alarms, the rest of the brain's functions begin to dissipate as well.

In short, chronic anxiety leads to structural degeneration of the brain.

When people say anxiety is crippling, they're not lying. It's the brain falling apart at the very seams. When trauma is thrown into the mix, the results are catastrophic.

Anxiety and trauma are brain damage. And yes, there is a point of no return. The brain is powerful, but it can only take so much before finally snapping.

I wonder when I'll reach that point.

And for a moment, my chaotic mind thinks of Harry. I haven't seen him in over a week. No texts, no calls, and I haven't seen him at work. He's just completely disappeared.

-

I'm not too fond of hospitals. They make me feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any given moment. I feel like screaming and crawling out of my skin. I've never had a single good experience in a hospital. Everyone I have lost has taken their last breaths in a fucking stretcher.

Things are different now, I try telling myself. No one's going to die today, no one's going to be murdered, and I know that. Even knowing that, that doesn't stop my heart rate from going crazy, or my palms from sweating, on my pupils from expanding.

Anxiety.

It's a fucking nuisance.

"The inner critic is loud today, huh?" My head snaps up, and my eyes find Julies. She smiles – soft, beautiful. I take a deep breath and nod. "You can leave, Als. I know this must be hard. I'll be okay by myself."

"No," I shake my head and sit up straighter in my seat. "No way am I leaving."

Maggie, who's sitting in Julie's lap, lifts her arms and makes grabby hands towards me. "Allie," she wines.

Smiling at Maggie, my wild heart rate begins to ease. I stand up and walk to the examination table where they're sitting, and I grab Maggie, throwing her up into the air slightly. Her infectious, pure-hearted, and unblemished laughter filters through the room.

I swear that laugh is all I'll ever need.

Then, I hug her tight and sway us back and forth a bit dramatically. I love her laugh, but I especially love her hugs. When her small arms wrap around my neck, my shoulders slump, and I squeeze her a little tighter. I know that I'll never love someone as much as I love this little girl.

When a nurse walks in the room with a friendly smile, I take a seat, and Maggie sits in my lap, swaying her feet back and forth. When the nurse starts making conversation with Julie, Maggie leans back and whispers in my ear, "I think Cheddar wants a friend."