HEAVEN RAMIREZ
Naagising ako nang may marinig akong kaluskos. "Oh, I'm sorry," pagpapaumanhin ng nakagawa ng ingay.
Napabangon ako't tumingin sa kaniya. He's struggling to stand straight. Paika-ika siyang naglalakad papunta sa bench kaso may nasanggi siyang kung anong bagay na siyang naging sanhi ng kaluskos.
"Anong ginagawa mo d'yan? Dito ka sa higaan mo," sabi ko sa kaniya at saka umalis na rin sa pagkahiga.
He just smiled and leaned his head on the wall. May mga dextrose pang nakakabit sa kaniya at napakaraming benda sa katawan. He can't be discharged that easy, kailangan niya pang magpagamot nang matagal sa hospital na 'to.
I glared at him and went closer. I tried to pull him up and drag him towards the hospital bed. He just pouted and lay down too. "Bakit ako ang pinagpahinga mo, ikaw ang mas may kailangan no'n eh," pagrereklamo ko, completely guilty that I had fell asleep longer than him.
"I'm also trying to be your healing," he chuckled. "But you know that I can't be you,"
"Sa ating dalawa, ikaw ang mas nasasaktan," I told him.
No one was there, his dark pasts are hunting him, he is being abused, he's hard for himself, I can't love him, he's more hurt.
"Magpapagaling ka rito, Joshua. Hindi ka puwedeng mawala, kailangan mong magpagaling kasi hindi masusulusyonan ng pagpapakamatay lahat ng mga 'to," I told him worriedly.
He looked at his hands and chuckled, "Guilt tripping, eh?"
"Yes, I'm guilt tripping you. If that will be my only way to keep you alive," I seriously looked at him, wanting him to look back into my eyes too.
"Why are you doing this to me and to yourself?" Finally, he looked back.
"It's just the same question as why do you love me," I told him.
"No, why are you so desperate to guilt trip me?" He asked again.
"Ask yourself first why are you obsessed with me,"
That made him silent for a while. I sighed and continue my words. "Ayaw kong dagdagan ang mga nasa isip mo kasi alam kong nahihirapan ka na. Pero simula noong sabihin mong mahal mo ako feeling ko ay responsibilidad na kita,"
He looked down and smiled bitterly. "So, I am a responsibility for you,"
"Responsibilidad mo once na mamatay ako? Ikaw ang aako ng lahat once na mawala ako? I never ask you to take all those responsibilities," he shrugged.
"I never asked you to love me back either," he took a glance at me, I gulped.
"I just want you presence. If I die, it's not your fault. It's only me," he smiled.
I bit my lower lip as I felt my heart ache. How can he smile genuinely while telling me that he's about to die?
I went near him and cupped his cheeks, "Hindi mo ako naiintindihan,"
"So do you," he pressed his lips and held my hand on his right cheek.
"We never get each other's intentions because we barely explain it,"
"But what you do is plain guilt tripping. I'm telling you, I am not a responsibility for your to guilt trip yourself too," he squeezed my hand, I moved away and removed my hands on his cheeks. He still held my hand.
"Kung hindi mo ako maliligtas, kasalanan mo, kung mamamatay ako nang wala kang nagagawa para pigilan ang bagay na 'yon, bitbit mo ang pagsisisi, pinapahirapan mo lang ang sarili mo. Walang maghihinala sa'yo, walang may pakialam sa akin," he told me those while playing with my hand.
Tinabig ko ang kamay niya, "May paki nga ako! Bakit ang hirap magpaintindi sa'yo?!"
"Kasi ayaw kong maniwala! Sinasarado ko ang utak ko kasi ayaw kong umasa na naman na may tao pang-- t-tatanggap, s-sa-- fuck," he scoffed.
"I closed my mind because once you start to convince me more, I will be more open, and that will change my mindset about this fucking life," I laughed sarcastically on what he said.
So I'm doing all of these just to be ignored? How can he keep his mind close if I almost offered all of me just to keep him alive?
"I need to be insane, I have to be crazy for lifetime because that's who I am," I want to hit him hard, but I'm stopping myself to hurt him. He is already hurt, but I still think he deserves to be hit.
"You know my past, it's clear that you won't like me anymore as a normal human being. You will never see me as clean as before you'd met me. You'd seen my darkest sides already and there's no way you can detect some pure spots again,"
He's still a pure human being. He is just deprived to showcase it because he'd been blinded by his own mindset. He's keeping in mind that his dark pasts are those which only matters. Kaya niya pa rin namang mabuhay nang normal kung pipiliin niya.
Nandito naman ako, tutulungan ko siya. Pinipigilan niya lang ang sarili niyang gumaling dahil sa tingin niya ay naaawa lang ako. Ayaw niyang kaawaan siya pero palagi naman siyang nagbibigay ng dahilan para magkaroon ako ng pakialam sa kaniya.
"Joshua hindi 'yan totoo--" he stopped me.
"Everything you do is a lie to me, even though I really love you, it's just so impossible. Siguro kaya ka may paki kasi naaawa ka?" I looked away after hearing him.
"I might not be a cat, it's not just nine lives, I feel like I'm an immortal," he chuckled.
"Your presence keeps me alive, can you just vanish too so that I can kill myself now?"
At this point, I think it is not a pity anymore, responsibility either. He's Joshua himself. I want to take care of him because he's Joshua.
YOU ARE READING
No Shame
Mystery / Thriller"I love the way you're screaming my name," - Joshua Many believed that Joshua Hong is an epitome of a gentleman, not until he carved an angel wings on her bare skin. // WARNING // This story contains disturbing contents and full of triggering scene...
