can you save me? || obikin

1.

Obi-Wan stared at me, the twilight casting his features into a melancholy blue that made his striking beauty sad, in a way. It seemed a tragedy I couldn't verbally acknowledge it. But there was concern in his blue-grey eyes that made my stomach turn. I'd just admitted to him how dark my mind had felt lately, and I now felt stupid for not anticipating his reaction; he'd immediately put his holopad down and turned to look at me.

"In what way?" he now probed, trying (and failing) to quell the anxiety in his voice.

"I don't know," I murmured, looking out the window and trying to figure out how to explain to him that the dark side had been prying at my skull since I was 10 and had neglected to let him know. He peered at me, worry creasing his brow softly as he scanned me for a moment. Not having the energy to try and seem anything but impassive, I just stared blankly back at him. With a sigh, he looked down again and shook his head.

"Anakin, if you think I haven't learned to see right through your feeble 'I don't know' then I fear you don't know me at all," he stated sardonically, shifting in his seat and rubbing his hand over his eyes. I chuckled softly and took this as his invitation to tell him more.

In the silence, I thought for a moment about how much I wanted to say. The 10-year-old in my head begged me to tell him everything, to finally let down this façade and let him in – let him help me. I knew he would. After all, Obi-Wan had known about Padmé, and hadn't said a single thing to the council – or anyone – through the duration of our marriage. He had even comforted me after it ended.

I knew I could tell him anything. That was not the issue.

The issue, I admitted to myself, was that I was afraid; I was scared of what he would think of me. Scared of what this would do to our relationship. There were things influencing me that I could under no circumstances admit to him; simply thinking about my master knowing what thoughts I had about him stored away in my mind brought a soft heat to my cheeks.

What would he do if he knew?

As I blew a breath out of my nose, I decided I would just have to start out small. Standing slowly, I paced over to the window and glanced out at the speeders racing below.

"The war has been weighing on me, Master. Weighing on us all," I began, and I could instantly feel the understanding on his face without having to see it. "The amount of men I've lost lately...pausing, I searched for what I meant to say. "I can't help but wonder if... this is really what the force wants. It angers me."

There was a silence hanging in the air after those words, and I could tell Obi-Wan was choosing his reply carefully. I waited, still looking out at Coruscant's upper layer.

"I know how you feel," he admitted at last, and I turned, then, to face him. He'd risen from the couch and now stood about five feet away. I took in the calmness in his stance and breathed out a little more. Good so far...

"Sometimes," I ventured, rolling the sleeve of my tunic between my fingers, "I feel the force trying to push me over the edge," I whispered, looking him in the eye and trying to leek my gaze steady. "It feels like it wants me to... to..." trailing off, I felt something like compassion from his end of our bond.

"How far have you let it push you, Ani?" he probed gently, his face still calm. I waited for a moment or two, wondering if I would be able to keep my composure if I told him anything more. I'd barely said a word, and yet I felt my mind straining against my mental walls, straining to let out everything that had been building up there. How close had I gotten? Images of howling Tuskens flashed before my eyes as I looked down, trying to quell the panic in my mind. Obi-Wan seemed to interpret my silence perfectly.

"You've gotten very close, then."