☞︎ℍ𝕦𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕣 𝔾𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕤 ~ 𝔸𝕞𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕪𝕤𝕥'𝕤 𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪 ☜︎

~Tears~

Here, it feels like the minutes go by as hours and the days go by as years. 

I talk to Autumn and Myles a bit more, telling them about my life. They are so starved of the outside world, it's nice for them to even hear about my small adventures in District Eight and Ten. 

But nothing really important happens. We sit in the small cell for days on days on days. Myles says they take us other places sometimes, to shower and get new clothes. He says they don't want their prisoners to smell too bad, apparently.

But I can already tell I'm starting to stink, and the food isn't much, when we get it, which is maybe twice a day. Sure, it's more than I was expecting- but it's barely any, especially shared among three people. 

So I can tell I'm getting skinnier, and now I understand why Autumn looks so frail. She's been here a while, and doesn't get much activity. That can't be good for her, she's still growing. 

I don't know how long I've been here, but it feels like months. 

I wonder if my birthday has passed since then. Probably not. My birthday's in spring, and I somehow can't imagine the whole winter passing during the time I've been down here. 

Every night I fall asleep to dreams of the outside world. I long for the snow-capped mountains and endless forests. 

By now, I wouldn't even mind being back in the arena. At least then I had trees. I had a chance.

I don't see how Myles and Autumn stand this. I can imagine that if I'm even if I'm only here for a year, I'll fade away until I'm just a shell of my old self. 

And with all this time, with all this quiet, my mind wanders. Which isn't healthy for me. It wanders back to my games, and even though during my waking hours I try to remember the beautiful outdoors, my dreams are full of murder, and blood. So, so much blood.

Nightmares haunt me every night. I wake up screaming half the time, though I try to stop. I tell myself I can't show the capitol I'm weak. Because I'm not, I tell myself. But I know that's not true.  

And way too many of my nightmares prominently feature my sister. I start out talking to her. She tells me how she's so happy I'll be there soon. I tell her I most definitely won't, and she gets upset. She raises her hands to the sky, and the clouds turn gray. Bombs rain down until the world turns to heat, metal and explosions. 

I wish I could say that through these dreams, my newfound friends comfort me. But I tell them that I need space. And I need to stay in my corner, rocking back and forth and shivering. It helps me, somehow. Or at least I tell myself that.

I've just woken up from a horrible nightmare. It's another one of the common ones, where everyone I've ever killed (a number that's much too high for my liking) dies in front of me. 

I wake up screaming, but cover my mouth with my hand and use the other to wipe the tears flowing down my cheeks. I want to close my eyes, to go back to sleep, but I know from experience that if I close my eyes their corpses will be seared in my brain. They have been for... much too long. 

So I keep my eyes open, staring at the hard grey wall with such intensity you'd think my gaze would break right through it.

Myles stirs next to me, and I try not to look at him, knowing the guilt that will show in my eyes. 

Yes, I feel guilty knowing that I woke him up. He shouldn't have to lose sleep because of me. 

No one should ever have to lose anything because of me, but so many people keep trying it.

He turns and looks at me, noticing my red eyes. He slides closer to me, sitting right next to my ruined self. 

We're both quiet. I know we have the same thought: not to wake up Autumn. She needs sleep. 

"I'm sorry for waking you up," I whisper, trying to stop my voice from quivering. He looks at me with a weird expression in his eyes that I don't recognize. 

"No, I'm sorry. You had a nightmare." He turns to me. As if my dreams are his fault. None of this is his fault. It's all mine.

I don't answer, feeling another tear slip down my cheek. I wish I could stop moments like this, when I can't stop the tears from flowing and my sadness from showing. If it were up to me, I'd wear my face like a mask, never showing my emotions to anyone. 

After all, I trusted Jenny, and see where that got me?

Myles wraps an arm around me and I lean into him, glad for the reassurance. I may not be used to people touching me or having friends, but it's nice. 

"Amethyst-" He pauses, as if he's contemplating telling me whatever this is. I look up at him, and his expression looks pained, as if he's about to tell me something I may not want to hear. I hope it's not that he knows that something else happened to someone I love. Not that there's anyone left. "I-" he starts, and I have a millisecond to think. 

To think about what it would be like if I were able to meet Myles in District Seven, when I was normal. 

Most likely he would've seen me, dismissed me as the grumpy and sullen girl who never talked to anyone and he would've ignored me, like everyone else did. He would've been happy when I was chosen for the games, like everyone else. 

But maybe, just maybe, he would've tried to talk to me. Maybe he would've tried to talk to me and I'd listen. Then maybe I would've had a friend. Some sort of motivation to get back home. 

And maybe that motivation would've led me on a different path than the one I took, and I would've died. 

I think what I'm trying to say here is that it's hard to predict what might've happened, if one thing was different. I can't say what Myles might do. That's for him to choose. 

This all goes through my mind in less than a second, and before I know it the door slamming open is interrupting Myles. 

Autumn groggily wakes up, sitting up and freezing when she sees the four burly guards standing at the open door. 

The one in front, who seems like the leader, smiles. 

"Glad you're all awake. Time to go."

(this chapter was so hard- it took me like 3 rewrites and now its so sadddd)