What Remains Here

Chapter 5

October 20

"What's your mom doing all day at your house?" I asked.

"She's building a clinic," Caspian replied. "The last time that I stayed back, we spent all day dragging down the mattresses and setting up a cot area."

"That's cool," I replied. "Though I don't think that the Hunters would appreciate all the moving around."

"People still live in that house?" he said with a hint of surprise.

"I'm joking," I said.

"Ha, ha, very funny," he deadpanned.

"Well, I'm kinda joking. I guess it's complicated. They basically just gave us their key and then disappeared. Who knows when they're going to pop up again?"

"Well, as long as they're not real hunters, I think we're going to be fine."

"I'm pretty sure they were," I replied. "We got a whole bunch of camping–"

I stopped myself before I could reveal more information. Even though Caspian has been spending all day in our house and probably knows the location of all our food and supply stores, I guess I'm still filled with the bit of doubt that Mom and Dad had embedded in me. It's not like he and his family are supposed threats anymore, and I want to be hopeful, but I'm just scared of making a mistake that I won't be able to take back.

"How long has it been since they left?" he asked.

"Three months, I think," I said. "I just realized. We're a month away from the sixth month anniversary. I don't know if we should be celebrating or not."

As soon as those words came out, I wished that I could take them back because I just knew on the inside that he lost people during the initial day along with his home and his neighbors and any sense of dignity. It's not like us, where everything that happened just felt like a far-away nightmare, because it's real. I could immediately tell that the atmosphere became gloomier and that I had badly screwed up.

"We should celebrate," he said, with a hint of bitterness. "We're still here. It's not like the guy in the sky can throw anything worse."

"Then the universe suddenly decides to implode," I replied, trying to shift the conversation to a lighter tone, hoping to undo my mistake.

"Well if I'm going out, I might as well go out like that," he replied. "There are worse ways to pass away..."

Then he turned away, and I could tell from the hitch in his breath that he was trying not to sound like he's crying, going uncharacteristically quiet to hide the crack in his voice. I wish I knew what was going on, and I wish that I could help him. But I felt like because we barely knew each other that it would be awkward for me to ask him to spill out what is specifically hurting him, so I just sat there in silence before mustering up a meek "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," he said before obviously lying. "I just got lost in my train of thought."

I just nodded, and any conversation after that just fizzled out, neither of us particularly engaged in whatever topic he brought up despite him embracing the facade of optimism and carefreeness. But it's at that moment that I felt a bit of a change because I actually truly understood how he felt, holding back all the emotions pushing on the valve and trying to just embrace normalcy and pretend all the feelings away. For me, it's the emotional intimacy that I'm so scared of, but given how open he is, I think there's just more than that. But maybe it's not in my place to speculate.

I think it's also why he left characteristically early, probably also because May had beaten him over and over in Speed. His excuse was that he wanted to get some more sleep, but I knew that he was lying and that the conversation that we had was bothering him. It was also an incredible coincidence that just after he left that Mira was forced to leave an hour earlier than usual.