One

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                       Late September 2016

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                       Late September 2016


Street lamps cast a glow into my dark bedroom, shadows of rain drops covered the wall, sliding down the window outside. I was grateful for the rain on nights I couldn't sleep, which was most.

Eerie silence at night isn't the sort of background I'd prefer to ponder to.

I pondered how strange it was to be at the age of twenty eight and have a past of expansive nothingness. No memories of the past six years. I was forever reminding myself that I was no longer in college, no longer working towards a degree in marketing and communications.

My fists bunched and pressed down on my lids, anger and resentment coursing through me again.

Sadie told me I'm qualified, I graduated. I'm good at my job. I haven't been back to work but the neurologist told me facts are what I was missing. Not skills. Whenever I'm ready, I can go back to the office, not just a cubicle, an actual office with my name on the door.

I might've known how to do my job, but I didn't remember the people I worked with or the clients I'd signed. It made the thought of returning, daunting.

Sadie told me there was a man in my life too. A new one. He'd been there the night of the injury. But in terms of what happened, the details are vague. A casualty of carelessness, a simple accident that no one could've predicted would lead to such dire consequences.

Rolling over to face the window, I watched the rain pelting the glass, the tree outside of Sadie's townhouse was blown back and forth, the pillow under my head cushioned the now healed bump. Just a bump. One that hurt, sure, but didn't seem like the sort of injury that could wipe me clean.

My mind, who I am, gone. I'd been reset, as Sadie liked to call it.

A scan revealed a severe lack of blood going to the right frontal lobe of my brain, giving me a moderate case of retrograde amnesia. Some people come back from it, some people don't. There's no known cure, so for now, I'm re learning who I am in the hopes that it'll return to me soon.

Someone asked me how I am today, at a coffee store when Sadie ordered for me. An iced long black, pump of caramel and oat milk. She said it's my favorite.

I hated it.

Anyway, the barista smiled at me, that customer service smile. The one where she's good at acting interested but my answer is irrelevant.

"Well, I haven't showered in two days. I can't eat. Sadie tells me I'm a vegan but as far as I remember, I love cheeseburgers. My hair is a mess, my mind is both keeping me locked out and locked in. I can't stop sifting, hoping to find a memory but it's all behind a closed door and not having the fucking key is sending me into a spiral."

I couldn't say any of that out loud though. You can't be that honest with people.

I am— was a barista in college. The staff never fail to have a good laugh at the over sharers after they walk out, naively relieved at venting to someone who 'wanted' to listen.

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