All Over Again

| Chapter Fifty |

Winter break came and went faster than what Ruth was prepared for.

She didn't do very much aside from meeting with Emily a few times to talk about housing situations in New York and doing a few touristy things with Jana and Terry. But other than that, she kept to herself and waited for that dreadful January Tuesday to come when school was back in session.

She spent that first school day back searching for the boy she was still in love with, but found that she couldn't find him anywhere on campus. She knew where he could be, but she couldn't go and look until the end of her school day. Briefly, on the way to get her latte, she ran into a rather preppy Mirana instead, and was taken aback by how happy she seemed to be. Ruth battled the suspicion rising from the pit of her stomach, but instead of questioning it, she pushed the feelings away.

"Hey Ruth! Long time no see," Mirana greeted, her glossed lips gleaming at her as she spoke.

"Hey, yeah it's been a long three weeks," Ruth said, offering her a small smile. Not long enough.

"How was your winter break?" she prompted. "I don't think I saw you once around town."

"It was good. I spent most of my time with my family and Emily. Um—how was yours?"

She shrugged. "Not bad. Babysat Raffo's siblings with him a few times and mostly stayed at the courts with him or Johnny. Eddie on weekends."

Ruth squeezed her notebook a little tighter to her chest, her smile straining and forceful. "That sounds nice."

"It was," she agreed. "Probably the best winter break I've had in years."

Must be fucking nice.

"I bet," Ruth pushed through her grinning teeth as her stomach clenched. "I'm so sorry, Mirana I don't mean to cut you short. But I have to rush to my next class after I get my latte."

Mirana waved her off with understanding. "Oh, yeah of course. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hold you here. I'm heading off to the courts in a few hours anyway, so I should get some homework done."

That stopped Ruth in her tracks. "Oh—um, are you meeting Raffo?"

"Yeah. He's been hanging down there lately and his class was canceled, so we're taking a hanging out day later," she explained cheerily.

"Oh, sounds fun," Ruth lied. "See you later, Mirana."

"Later Ruth!"

As soon as Mirana was out of sights, Ruth forgot all about her need to get a chai tea latte, and booked it straight for her car. She didn't know if she should build up her courage first or just wing whatever she was about to say, but before she could talk herself out of going, she roared her car to life and hightailed it out of the school parking lot. She didn't know how much time she would have with Raffo before Mirana came to join him, but she needed to use that time to at least apologize for what she said. Uncle Rickey wanted her to hold herself accountable, and she was. It was all she thought about over break.

The parking lot was relatively empty when Ruth finally made it to the courts. It made perfect sense, seeing as how it was only 1:30 in the afternoon and school was still in session, but much to her relief, she saw a familiar silhouette with long hair dribbling a ball across the courts. Though she was decently far from him, a part of her chest ached at the familiar sight of the man she wanted so desperately to be with. His shoulders were still muscled and square, his waist agile and slim as he twisted and turned with each pivot, and his flowing hair gleamed along the back of his body.

It took everything in Ruth to find the urge to get out of that car and march on over to where he played as quick as she could. He seemed to be stuck in the music of his headphones, with his eyes glued to the ball or the basketball hoop, until she crossed over the little mountain it took to get to him. Only then did he finally look up and meet the brown eyes of determination that drunk him in the closer she got. He paused mid-toss, his body frozen in movement and expression emotionless. The ball bounced away from him, laying soundless and unmoving in the grass attached to the outer rim of the cemented court. His jaw moved, capturing her peaked interest briefly, before she forced herself to stick to the task at hand.

"Before either of us ruins this moment, I just need you not to talk and listen to me. Don't ask what I'm doing here, don't tell me to leave, just hear me out and listen. I need five minutes of your time and then I'll go," Ruth said, filling the silence between the two of them before he shut her down or she shuts herself down; whichever would come first.

Raffo said nothing. He just stood there, watching her with an unreadable expression on his face. His arms were crossed securely over his chest and somehow it created an unwanted barrier between the two of them. He didn't know Ruth had been pondering and overthinking the entire conversation and how it could go over winter break, and not one of those conversations ended well. She was prepared for that. She knew he could leave their relationship where it was in the dirt. He could carry on loving Mirana. Whatever it was he would do, she'd have to force herself to be okay with it . . . even if the thought discomforted her.

Hell, who was she kidding? The thought devastated her.

"I'm selfish," she started, swallowing thickly. "I was selfish because I wanted it all. I wanted New York, writing, nursing, you—all of you. All of these things were essential for me to keep and I couldn't picture my life without any of those four things . . . but in doing so, I lost the most important person to me—the most important of those four. I couldn't see outside of myself and that you were more than just one of my four."

"You're a person who's just as in this as I am. When you love someone, it's not just you anymore." Her voice shook at her admittance, but she didn't stop just yet. Not even when Raffo glanced down at the space between them, calculating something in his head. "And I'm sorry for forgetting that this relationship wasn't just about what I wanted. I couldn't see how selfish I was being with you until it was too late. And I'm so sorry that I hurt you. It was dumb and inconsiderate—"

"You know," Raffo interrupted, his voice thick with emotion as he meets her blurry gaze again, his jaw tight. A part of her wilted under his next confession. "That I lose you too, right? When you leave, and this is whether or not we choose to do that distance, I still lose a part of you either way."

Ruth, having not expected him to talk so soon, could only answer with a feeble, "I know."

"And I don't get to be selfish with you. I can't ask you to give up what you want for me, and I would never force you to make that choice either. Even if I want to," he continued. Shame filled her chest like the swelling of a balloon, but she continued to watch him, eating up his words.

"I'm just as selfish as you are, Ruth, even if I don't always show it. I want you to stay more than anything else in this shithole town. I'd get down on my hands and knees to beg you to stay if I could get my way." His voice was softer, his gaze losing it's guarded composure. There was a genuine honesty in his eyes and a kindness that she hadn't seen from him in over a month. He wanted to show her that he understood, even if she hadn't done the right thing by openly begging him those weeks ago. "But I won't ask you to stay. I want you to get everything that you deserve in life, even if that means you leaving. I'll always want what's best for you. Even if it takes you on a path away from me."

Ruth didn't disagree with anything he told her. In fact, all she could focus on was the overflowing liquid collecting in her eyes that made his form blur and her nose sting with a sharp pinch. Her soft sob caught onto the words she needed him to know, "You know I still love you, Raffo, right? Always."

And finally, after so long, the sun broke through the thunderclouds in his expression. Clear skies and sweet smiles of warmth greeted her. "I still love you, Ruth. I couldn't stop even if I tried."

With another sob tearing itself from her lips, Ruth lurched forward and was met halfway by a soft pair of desperate hands caressing her cheeks. Using his thumb, he traced away her tears and moved his head down, pressing his forehead to hers. "I don't want to spend the time we have left arguing with each other anymore. I just want to spend it with you, aiukli."

In response to that, Ruth moved her lips to his, her heart finally filled and swollen with such love, she thought she was going to burst. His taste was so much better than she remembered.

"Okay," she whispered.

If Ruth had it her way, she would stay right there for the rest of her life. Swallowed by sunlight, enveloped by warmth, and taken to a place far better than anywhere else on earth.

*****

notes: translation (from choctaw to english)

♡ aiukli - beautiful