Empty Comfort

I die less than before

Is it sad to say that the empty darkness is more comforting than the people I know? With people there tends to be trust but what if you have trust issues? Then what? Or the people you know don't even care about you. 

Playing house with people tends to get boring, even tiring at most. You know having to pretend everything is swell, that everything is fine, that you're happy with life now. Having to go days while smiling or even weeks to months then years that your cheeks hurt from smiling too much.

You sit in your own room while the lights are off, that's more comforting than having to "play house" with people, pretending that everything is fine. Having to lie day after day, I mean funny thing is that some notice you're acting but guess what? They don't do anything, they just watch the show go on.

Maybe you even listen to some happy music as you lay there looking at your ceiling. You let your thoughts run wild, letting your imagination "go crazy" thinking of those scenarios, ha! You know what I mean.  

Wondering... 

"What if I wasn't born?" "Would everyone be happy?" you know, all that sad jazz stuff. You hear stories of when they were happier at that "tender" young age. 

Ah, then sad music starts playing which obviously gets you thinking more. But you don't feel any emotion, no reaction, not even a single tear. You just lay there, not moving just looking at that dark empty space. No, no this is some paralysis demon type stuff, no this is just you laying there not feeling anything at that moment. 

Tw- blade "tiny silver object" 

So I.. No cross that I meant "you" You decide to get up and get that tiny silver object, maybe it even still has some tiny blood drops on it from before. 

As you keep thinking, letting your mind wander, you slowly pick where you want that tiny silver object to make your "red art." As you let that tiny cold object  glide across your skin, that tiny cold object gets you to feel some emotion.  

I smile as I slowly start to see "red" starting to form. Ah, I meant "you" Silly me! It seems I'm a little tired today, ha or maybe it's my auto correct. Ahem* Where was I? 

You start to feel tears forming in your eyes as you lay back down, you don't care about the blood spots that are starting to form on your sheets. Well because why would you? I mean you could just wash them, unless your blood doesn't come off like some people-  

Your emotions, everything that you tried so hard to keep down just comes out all together. Like a dam. That silver object is like a 'machine' that breaks down the walls, and that 'red liquid' is like the water spilling out. Same with your emotions, it's like filling up a cup of water but never stopping.

Just letting it overflow... Life just makes me think, 'what's the point of living?' It just makes me feel like I'm drowning but I'm not dying. Sadly I do have a fear of drowning, and oddly enough I do know how to swim it's just that once I'm in the water my mind tends to think 'yup you're gonna drown, since you can't touch the ground.'