Empty Comfort

A good day to die

I know my "expiration date" is coming up soon. Ha! What am I, milk? How funny! I'm guessing you can understand what I'm talking about, anyways.

Let's talk about her.

She messed with my mind, she brainwashed me, everything I believed was actually a lie. I know I could have left her but I 'loved' her, I wanted to be loved.. yeah I was desperate at that time. Try to understand, not really getting any love growing up, watching others get loved. I guess you show me you care even a little then you get my love, ha.

She put 'words', she put 'things' in my mind, she made me "believe" for some bulls*** that was never happening.  At that time I thought she cared, oh how naive I was, how blinded I was by love.

My 'trust'

My 'Hope'

My 'Love'

Everything I was holding onto, let's call it 'my final straw' it all went down the drain. Like it never existed, everything stopped and time went slower than normal, my heart it hurt. Bad. 

After everything was over, done with. I did my best, I lived, I moved on.. In all honesty I stopped with the 'hope' the 'trust' and mostly importantly the 'love.'  

I gave up. Yeah, I gave up very easily.

I decided to make friends, to get my mind off things, mostly 'her' Some point I started noticing that the stuff I said, the things I did most of it was lies.

Everyone kept telling me I was wrong, "you're wrong' 'that isn't true' 'who told you that' 'are you okay?"  My mind instantly went to 'her.'  I kept telling myself that "when everyone leaves me they're happier, and I am not needed anymore." Because she told me that, yes I believed her I really did. 

I felt lost knowing that the things I said to myself or the things I said to others were all just a bunch of bulls*** lies. In all honesty I couldn't tell what was real or what wasn't. Let's say I was scared knowing that she was still around, has she done this to anyone else?

She made me hate myself.

She made me despise love.

She made me lose hope.

She made me lose trust. 

But you know what, it was all my fault. If I didn't want love, oh how desperately I wanted and tried to get loved. If I never did this or that. If I never said 'hey' I wouldn't be here.

It's completely entirely my fault.

Yeah, I forgave her, I forgave everyone. The ones who hurt me, the ones who wronged me, the ones who touched me, the ones who shouldn't even be forgiven. But I forgave them all.

It was all my fault anyways, It's always my fault. If I wasn't wearing baggy clothes, If I wasn't sleeping, If I wasn't desperate, If I was smart enough.

If I.. If..  If I wasn't born.

So for now 'you' will continue swinging with the wind living in a world of dreams. You will live in a world of 'reading', In a world of 'imagination' live with those 'fake scenarios' you have, yeah you know what I mean. 

Right now you're probably wondering what's real and what isn't. Who cares!

You just keep reading.

You just keep sleeping.

You just keep dreaming. 

Just forget about this cold dark scary world for now. While I let this empty comfort  take control. 

Goodnight     -Knoxy