don't want to love you ;; doyu

➴ 2. ➴

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Dear Diary, 

I don't think I'm that bad, or mean of a person, but sometimes I can't help but to feel that way, yknow. I feel as if everybody I trust the most secretly hates me. Like Jaehyun, for example. But he probably doesn't hate me, I doubt he's even capable of hating anybody.

I know Doyoung hates me. 100%, for sure. There's no way he can't. And I don't even know, or remember why I hate him back. It's one of those things that you just do.

Well, really, I don't know if anyone likes me, or enjoys my company. One of the only memories I have from my childhood is when everybody turned on me the second they realized I only really fell in love with guys. Of course, it fucking had to be me. I knew so many people that felt the same way I do back when I was in Japan, but I was the only one who was ever hated.

I can't even name one person who likes me for sure, not one. I know a ton of people in any of my classes who can write lists and lists about the people who care about them, but not me. Which is weird, cause I always rank from 'likable' to 'very likable' on those sketchy personality quizzes online. I guess you can't always believe what you find online.

Maybe I'm not likable. Like, at all. I don't know the reason, it may just be the truth. Like one of those clichés where there's a bad guy everybody loves to hate, and that's me. I don't think I'll be finding my 'light in the darkness' love of my life any time soon. Who knows, maybe in months, maybe in years, maybe never. But not know, not when I feel as though I need it the most. If my light in the darkness shit is reading this, I'll cherish you with all my heart. Unless you already have a boyfriend of something, he's far better for you than I'll ever be. Why am I getting poetic with this?

Whatever. Less about me, more about my random lover boy who I don't know. Do you have a cute name? How old are you? How do you save me from this life of mine? Dang, this feels weird.

I'm not used to boyfriend shit. At all. The only people who'd be willing to date me would be random people on the street I haven't even met yet, they have no idea how I act, so. 

Maybe I won't have one of those cliché stories, yknow. I could always just naturally fall in love like a normal fucking human being. But I don't really want to be remembered like that. Nakamoto Yuta, the normal human being who normally fell in love. Sounds ugly.

But at the same time, I do kinda want it. I've always imagined my life if it was like a book, or even a movie. All the amazing possible happy endings out there, I want to experience one. But with my current life status, there's no way it could happen.

Nobody at my school likes me. Other than Jaehyun, Taeyong, Jungwoo, Mark, and Yukhei, for some reason. Nobody else wants to come near me for reasons they don't even know. If I'm not walking with the people I sit with at lunch, I'm walking alone. Probably to yet another detention.

Nobody at my job likes me. Well, probably cause they don't even know my name. I work from 5 until 7 pm on Tuesdays and Fridays. Nobody there talks to me, because there's always like 2 other people. I just sit there, taking orders and filling cups with coffee or those disgusting ass smoothie concoctions.

Nobody anywhere likes me. Like, nobody. Sometimes, I feel like I should just.. stop, yknow. Trying, failing, existing. No one would care, so what's the point? This is why I need one of those cliché lives.

I think detention is ending soon. Might as well finish this later.

-Yuta.

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