forever? Ashtray x reader

22

another love- tom odell
"all my tears have been used up,on another love"
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"Ashtray what the hell! What if I was dead and you only said 'wake her up I guess' that's so mean"
"What! It's not like we're dating anymore"
"Yeah and don't fucking bring it up like it was my fault. It was you who cheated."
"You didn't give me a chance to explain!"
"I don't think I needed to! You were hooking up with my cousin for weeks while we were dating! And even though I beat up Gia for you, you still ended up dating her a month later!"
"That was just to make you jealous. I still liked you then and she was a distraction"
"If you still liked me why would you cheat."
"I needed to!"
"How. How did you need to?"
"Will you let me explain?"
"Maybe."

He sat down across from me and took a deep breath.
"After you beat Gia up she wouldn't stop texting me and saying that she was going to kill you. Once she even sent me a picture of you in my bathroom and I got scared. I didn't know what she could do so I asked her what would make her stop. She said that I had to ruin my relationship with you."
"Oh."
"So I asked if she wanted me to meet up with her but she said that it wouldn't hurt you enough. So she set me up to meet your cousin."
"Did she?"
"Even though it seems like I did everything to hurt you. I did it to protect you. Because I loved you, you were one of the only people I trusted and one of the only people who I let in. It's hard for me to do that. But I'd rather lose you myself than make everyone lose you. I understand if you don't believe me but I promise you that I really am telling the truth."
"Ash I'm so sorry."
"It doesn't matter, things are over now. I just wanted to let you know, but I'm the one who should be sorry, I should have told you sooner, then this wouldn't have happened."
"Ash no I should've let you explain."
"It's fine. Friends?"
"Friends."

We hugged. It made me realise how much I missed him while we were apart. I should've let him explain. Then we might have still been together. But I ruined it.

After Ashtray left I went straight up into my room and locked the door. I didn't want to be near anyone right now. Not even Maddy.

I sat on my bed crying for a while until i looked over at my dresser. The pocket knife that Ashtray had given to me was laid on there, on top of some of his hoodies. I was meaning to give them back.

I got up and grabbed the knife.
(MAJOR TW)

I sat down against the door and looked at the blade, then down at my thighs. It's been a while, and my scars were barely visible.

I put the blade to my skin and sliced it open, blood ran down my legs onto the floor, I was still on drugs, I didn't feel anything, I liked watching the blood leave my body. I deserve it anyways, I never let people in. And when I do, I just end up hurting them and pushing them away.
These thoughts made me even angrier, why do I have to ruin fucking everything?
I kept cutting, and cutting, and cutting. I looked down and saw a pool of blood in between my legs. Shit.

That's when I realised what I'd done, I tried to stand up but couldn't, it was really starting to hurt now. I reached up to unlock the door and shuffled over to the side.
"MADDY"
"What? Are you okay?"
"IM FINE! CAN YOU PASS ME A TOWEL THROUGH THE DOOR, I JUST GOT OUT THE SHOWER AND I DONT HAVE ONE"
"Okay I'll be there in a second!"

She knocked on the door and I reached my hand out to grab the towel,
"Thanks so much Mads"
"No problem birdie"
"You haven't called me that since I was 7"
"And? I'm gonna start calling you it again"

I heard her walk away and I started to wipe the blood off the floor, the towel was black, but it still wasn't a good idea.

I finally got the strength to get up and walk to my bathroom, I grabbed the first aid kit and began to bandage my legs. Holy fuck this hurt. I had no wipes left in the box to clean the cuts, so I was forced to just wipe them with some wet paper towels that were in my bathroom.