𝙉𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡 (𝙙𝙬𝙩 𝙭 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧)

4 - 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙣

Y/N,

I can't live without you.
Please come back to me.

I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you. I'm so sorry for everything I've done to your family, your friends.

I cant forgive myself until you forgive me.

I get it, I really do.
You only wanted what you fought for, and seeing you so driven, I loved every second of it.

I couldn't sleep at night when you ran through my mind. You were in my dreams, you were in my nightmares.

When I lashed out at you a few weeks ago, I couldn't understand why. I love you so much, and I think I was just going insane.

I am going insane, Y/N.

So, all I want to give you is an apology, no matter how weak it may be. I want you to know how truly sorry I am. And if you ever want to, please talk to me again.

I love you.
-Clay

My nose scrunched as I read the letter. That fucking snake thinks he can just apologize and everything will be okay!

That piece of shit scarred my back twice!

I was literally just stood in shock, the fingerprint stained letter in my hands. I wanted to rip the sheet to shreds, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

It hurts knowing Clay had this much impact on my life. It hurts knowing that I can't really even bring myself to let him go after everything he's done.

At night, I find myself wide awake thinking about him.

I think about the way he held me.
I think about the way he genuinely cared for me, especially when no one else did.
I think about the time we spent together in this house.
I think about his tear-stained face when I left that day.

I see myself questioning whether I really loved him or not.

And usually,
I think I do.

I wake up again and again, hoping for something to click in my mind, telling me that he didn't love me.

But I can't.

I know he did.

I was the only one he would listen to and protect.
And even though what he did to me was wrong, I still find myself guilty for loving him.

I may have been foolish, or even stupid, but I know that what I felt for him was not forced.

I really did love him.

And I know he did too.

Clay just had a horrible way of showing it. He only wanted me to be safe, protected from the harsh reality from the world we lived in, even though I was more than capable of protecting myself.

He's always had issues, though. When I visited him in prison, I was shocked at his words to me.

"You're a goddess. Half, at least, who has no idea how to control her own power! You just fuck around all day with no sort of guidance, and cause destruction to the SMP that I built! You're sick in the fucking head, Y/N. Absolutely. Fucking. Sick."