Willa

Chapter Twenty: A Little Bird is Born

She arrived of you this morning
a little chick for your nest
how I would love to see,
what is made of you, that life,
your heart walks outside now
broken free from your chest
It must hurt to watch it beat
And not feel it beneath your breast
I love your little chick
Allie
And I will wonder from afar
If she resembles that little bird
I knew
That flew
That flew so far

***

Allie,

How should I start a letter a few months late, perhaps with a simple "I missed you" and a squeeze of your hand. Will you let me say sorry?! To take the time back and offer you a thousand memories that should have filled that time instead. I could have helped you pick out obnoxiously expensive nursery furniture that we could have charged to Bens credit card, and how I would have loved to watch you waddle about as you approached this month. Ive missed a tonne of time, and I will miss more, I know, but I know you must know that I still think of you every day and wish I could be there for these moments. I saw you on the Christmas card, you suited pregnancy. I've never seen you look so beautiful Allie, if I could have pinched those cheeks... you know I would have, to your dismay. I would have loved to have sat in awe and wonder, my palm against your belly at the movement inside, she's such a miracle isn't she?!

What will you call her Allie? Your little chick? Perhaps a formal Anderson family name? Or something a little more, you. I can't wait to find out. I wish I could come to you now and hold her, and hold you, and offer you anything you need of me...

I'm sending you a book of Poetry I found recently, everything about it from its cover to its delicious, delirious words, reminded me of how you write to your core, sending out every thought and feeling you have and feverishly documenting every one as if you didn't they should make you dizzy and sick. Allie I miss your words, my mind turns to mush without them... a sedentary state. I so hope you still write.

Kiss that little piece of you in your arms will you? And tell her aunty Willa will always be here for her, whenever she needs me. I know when I meet her it will be a long awaited day, but we shall never forget it. Until then, I think she will look just perfect in the little sneakers I sent, and a mini basketball jersey, it's my current team, and I could do with a good luck charm as lucky as she. I love you little one, with everything I have.

And I will be back Allie... I promise. Each month that passes, the fog, it clears more and more, and before you know it, it shall be safe to travel through, visibility will be 100% and my path back to you will be clear.

Until then,

I miss you xx

I love you xx

Endlessly...

Willa

***

I sit with the letter in my fingers, letting it fall through them as I reach the last words, which sends the pink paper flying like a feather, slow and breezily to the floor of the nursery.

The window I gaze out of shows my reflection, my blue eyes filled with tears, my newborn daughter pressed to my breast, her lips sucking in repetitive motions under the gaze of the morning light that streaks through the back window. It is the room that reminds me of Willa's. I watch as the dawning sun comes over the mountain tops, like a welcomed friend returning home, which is what I wish Willa was. I wish Willa was at my door right now, coming through and wrapping me in her embrace, telling me she had made a mistake and should never have left me like that. I suck back up the tears and wipe my running nose, sniffing and clearing my airway. Why did she do this to me?! Send me words that would get inside and turn me upside down... no return address....