As I Want You To Be

Here We Are Now

Bella:

"You sleeping?" My door creaked open, Kurts sweet voice whispered through.

"I was."

"Can I come in?" He asked.

"Of course." I said sleepily.

He laid down next to me, I turned to face him.

"Sorry for waking you up."

"I don't really mind." I shrugged.

"I have to tell you something." He looked serious.

I didn't answer, instead just stared waiting for him to finish.

"There's something you should know about me."

"You're scaring me." I said nervous.

"Don't be scared." He began. "It's just sort of bad. You might not like it."

"Oh god you really are the I95 killer..." I joked.

He smiled. "Not that bad."

"Kurt we all have something bad about ourselves, about our lives.. It's human. You really don't have to tell me." I reassured.

"No I do, because I like you and when you like someone you tell them the truth, right?"

I nodded.

"I'm a drug addict." He said it as if in an AA meeting 'hello my name is Kurt and I'm a drug addict.'

"I know." I said.

"You know? How?"

"The other day I was looking for oven mitts in the kitchen and came across a box. I opened it."

"Oh." He had a blank expression. "Do you care?"

"I don't know.. Not really." I didn't very much care, I've never really cared about anything. Maybe that's what Kurt liked about me.

He touched my cheek. "Thank you."

I flinched at the feeling. He was so close now, so close I could smell his signature mint toothpaste and stale cigarette breath.

"Do you like me back?" He asked kind of seductive.

"I think so." I whispered.

His hand moved to my stomach now.

"Are you naked?" He looked surprised.

I had a habit of no clothes sleeping, and needless to say I was embarrassed but then again he did say this was my room and I definitely wasn't expecting the surprise visit.

"You ask a lot of questions." My face turned red.

"Since when do you get embarrassed?" He laughed.

I was still silent from the touch of his hand on my bare skin. Before I could think twice he leaned in and kissed me, I kissed back, hard.

He took off his shirt.

"Do you want to?" He asked.

"Again you ask to many questions."

He eagerly reached into his jeans and pulled out a condom.

After sex I used a permanent marker to write today's date on the condom wrapper. He thought it was weird, but I wanted to remember. 6/28.

"I'll be right back." He left the room.

While he was gone I thought about us, and how quickly things were changing. It wasn't to long ago that he had saved me from the streets of Washington. I was just a lost girl and without Kurt I might very well be dead.

"Back." He held up the same box I saw in the kitchen.

"What made you use heroin?" I asked interested.

"Takes away the pain." He replied simply.

"What kind of pain?"

He shrugged. "Any."

"Mental pain?" I asked again.

"Yes, mental pain." He nodded.

"Can I try it?"

He looked at me cautiously. "You shouldn't, but who the hell am I to tell you no."

He flicked the syringe after filling it.

"I'll do it for you, I mean if you want." He held the needle up.

I let him insert it, relief took over my body. It felt as if I was wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket, nothing could hurt me now, not even my own thoughts.

More then anything I wanted to fit in, fit in with his friends, with the drugs, with the grunge. With Kurt.