What do the stars feel when they look at Us?

Chapter 17: Unaccustomed, Tension Creating Atoms

In the morning, meteorites filled with newly found, nightly and sensitive information had rained down onto my brain.

I rolled around in my bed, thinking about what I might've dreamt about.

I knew my dad was somewhere in it.

That's why there was this soft, lingering comfort somewhere in my sheets.

The regrets on the wall started to get more familiar with every other day passing.

The whole atmosphere of my room became something I was kind of glad to wake up to, even on this particular day that seemed so difficult already before it had even started.

It was so difficult because of what Matilda and I had talked about. Just yesterday, by the train tracks. And how it affected today. And this evening.

I don't remember most of what happened, it was like an autopilot took over my ability to speak and I just rambled on about how sad my childhood felt in retrospect.

But Matilda didn't pity me or anything, she just listened to what I said and it felt like it mattered.

Like it moved something to somewhere else.

I felt guilty for being hard on Pedro yesterday and I somehow couldn't get my head around how or why I reacted that way towards him.

But Matilda didn't care about that, about guilt, or just anything like that, all that mattered was right there in that moment and she was present and it was enough and everything in the way that I saw things made a bit more sense.

It made me realize that last night's encounter was actually unique and special and not just another fleeting moment of trivial pursuit that made me feel like another stranger in a world full of endings.

I felt like thinking theatrically and eccentrically and it still felt cosy within my bedsheets.

I could be thinking about whatever I wanted however I wanted as long as I was in my room because there was room in it for it now.

-

I've been thinking about how to approach Pedro again after yesterday.

I felt like I could've been nicer.

I talked over his feelings instead of appreciating them more for what they are.

That blink second, that weird smile.

Was he sad or upset?

I thought about how to apologize. Or not. I don't know.

My head went hot again.

So I started calculating the time I needed to still be on time for this evening.

This evening, this evening, this evening, don't even think about this evening.

Think about Pedro and find a solution.

The doorbell rang.

Minor background noise.

My mom shouting my name.

Life found a way to limit the exhaustion my thoughts caused that day.

Life found a way to ease the chaos.

It was Pedro's parents and him.

They came over to thank us for yesterday.

Straight-up plot convenience.

I didn't mind.

A bouquet of flowers.

Pretty flowers. White flowers.