Hold my hand

chapter Five - ruined

I hate him, after everything, after trusting him he betrayed me. I feel hopeless, empty I feel destroyed. I fucking hate Han Jisung. This is why I only trust Felix. I knew deep down Jisung was never ready to hear my thoughts and how I felt. He only cares about himself, and his stupid fucking hair, that I once longed to touch but now it's the last thing on my mind.

I stared down at the cars on road below me, yet again tears never fell. I wish and wished for the release of just one tear but they never came. I wanted to shower the pain away but I'm scared I will see his face, his face that looks so innocent on the outside. His stupid cheeks and stupid eyes. I regret kissing him it makes me feel dirty.

Felix's pov:

Fuck where is he, I walked all around the house trying to find him. The roof. I ran up the stairs calling out his name. I found him lying on the floor looking at the grey clouds in the sky. Han jisung really messed up this time, even I'm angry at him and I never get mad.

"Do you want a hug?" I asked him, he didn't even blink. He muttered a no.

"I don't want anyone to hug or kiss me ever again." My heart sunk deeper into my chest, not knowing what to say.

"I'm sorry he told everyone," I muttered still not knowing what to say.

start of tw for self harm
"He didn't tell everyone he fucking joked about it, he joked about my scars, I feel sick." I held onto his hand, he pulled away.

"don't touch me."

Lee knows pov:

I wanted to hold Felix's hand but I physically couldn't, I don't want to open up or be close to anyone ever again.

Last night: before the incident.

"I think I'm ready to tell you," I said to him, he looked up from his book and Moved his body towards me, it's gonna be okay it's just me and him he's not gonna tell anyone. It's okay Minho it's just you two in your room. He's not the type to make jokes about things this serious.

"Lee know Hyung, I'm listening what's up?" I smiled softly at the boy. I held his hand a began to speak.

"You know how people have addictions, Not addictions like collecting bts photocards but the harmful ones, like drinking or drugs it helps numb the pain and makes everything better. Well, Jisung I have an addiction too, an addiction that started when my father told me I deserved to be hurt, I was twelve when I started cutting lines on my thighs, the pain helped me, But one day my dad found out and went crazy it's like something switched inside of him." I pulled up my shirt to reveal a stab wound, yes my father tried to kill me he thought that's what I wanted, I didn't want to die back then I just wanted the pain to go away.

last night: the incident

After waiting patiently for Chan to return to the dorm everyone got drunk, everyone but me for some reason wanted to stay sober.

"Lee know, come dance with me." Jisung held out his hand for me I didn't even hesitate, we danced until the song stopped. Jeongin then raised his glass.

"To being alcoholics!" he said, with a laugh.

Jisung looked at me and pointed.

"don't want to develop another addiction now do you Hyung?" He laughed. Jisung laughed at me, at my trauma at my past, he laughed at the little boy who couldn't understand why he deserved to be hurt.

"what do you mean?" Chan put his hand on Jisungs shoulder in a curious manner.

"Don't you know Hyung? Lee know cuts himself." I reacted the only human way possible I punched him right in his fucking face.

end of tw for self harm

Heyyy! I'm sorry y'all had to read that, if any of you are struggling please reach out. I'm sorry but I had to make this story enemies to lovers.