Tales Written When Poetic

Falling into Death

note: this was sad and i wrote this on my period after watching really sad movies so yuh.

tw: attempt suicide, drug abuse, mental illness, kidnapping, memory loss

She closed her eyes counting the seconds that count to her earned fate. She would not have called it earned because to her, she earned nothing. Living only nineteen years and seeing everything she wasn't behind those walls of her life. She didn't see a reason to call it home as it without doubt didn't feel like it. She was always seen as a bad guy; not the hopeless victim she truly was.

Now that the only beaming ray of sunshine in her life have grown fickle enough to completely disappear.

She simply did not find a reason to complete this road till it's end, she was planning to take the next exit: hell. Not cheeky, but anywhere than where she was dreamily better. The fine line between want and need seemed to be the one equivalent to life and death to her. She wanted to escape, even if it means taking her own life. She didn't need to, but she needed him to be alive. But he was as a butterfly after a month's time, dead.

Living without a father because he was a man-whore whom got her mother pregnant then left her after getting what he wanted. Not what he needed. Such a selfish thing, but he wasn't alone in the selfishness game. Selfishness is a dirty thing that inevitably encounters every being once if not thrice. No amount of denial nor delusions will deny that fact.

She was unhappy. And hell, she had the reason to be. The only person who she felt the dizzying feeling of happiness had left the world to take part of the afterlife. The mere thought of his smiles that got her living through the year were now only memories that cannot be recreated. The sound of his laugh was something in the back of her mind that would fade. Thoughts like that made her eyes turn with scolding tears and nights restless. Thoughts like how she would never see his smile again, hear his fears, know his thoughts, feel his affection, nor spend more of her time with him. She shouldn't have been so clingy, not that she had the right to be.

Ever since she entered the walls of this mental institute, she could only read his letters. She was on the other side of the globe getting medication and he was going studying psychiatry in England. She once joked about how she would be his patient in the future, she had a dark sense of humor, most would say. But now all dreams are lost like his soul and her reason to live. As if her life weren't shit enough.

She was a mental patient for fucking's sake. She spent about 7 months in the institute and she hated every living second of it. Why was she here? According to the so-called doctors she has a high grade schizophrenia and depression because of 'trauma'. Even if she spent most of her life one the streets running away from the bad people her mother warned her about, not that there was anyone worse than her. Cliché? Her mother was an underage alcoholic stripper, the worse combination. Having her daughter at seventeen was the highlight of her career, no it wasn't. until her baby grew old enough to change its own diapers, they were living off the money they had already saved. By the time that money wasn't enough to pay the bills and the pills, she lost a few pounds and wore her lingerie again.

Getting extra cash when she took men to her home, she ended up kicking her young daughter out of the house to get candy for an hour to get the rent's pay. She loved her daughter to depths, and certainly doesn't regret having her but she didn't see anything wrong living having some fun. When she was seven, her mother would often give her daughter rides to the park and leave her there with twenty dollars for an hour. Up until an hour turned into hours and they moved to Las Vegas. It was her mother's dream after all.