Because of Him (Shin Soukoku)

Let's talk.

Atsushi had not recieved any messages from Akutagawa in weeks since their "date", as Dazai liked to refer to it. He felt odd feelings bubbling up inside him. A feeling of betrayal as if Akutagawa had betrayed him by not saying anything to him. Atsushi didn't want to admit it, but after their "hang out" he became more hopeful about the two. Atsushi never imagined them being a couple because of their obvious problem, the organizations they were tied to. He also knew Akutagawa would never like a weakling like him, yet he couldn't help but feel hurt. Atsushi felt stupid, he had really thought they had shared a special moment. When they were just walking and talking or chatting at the cafe it felt like finally being able to breathe again. It felt freeing. It made him feel warm and happy. It felt like a thousand butterflies were fluttering in his stomach. It was strange, sure, but it was comforting. He was unsure why Akutagawa was ghosting him. It had been a great day and he was sure he saw Akutagawa smile multiple times. The only time he could pinpoint a shift in Akutagawa was when they were parting. Dazai had come uo to them and Akutagawa had myseriously fallen silent with an unfathomable expression. What had caused this change?

"Atsushi, are you alright? You seem down." Kyouka asked. Atsushi nodded. There was no fooling Kyouka. "Atsushi, you know you can tell me right?" She asked with an edge of suspicion in her voice now. Atsushi looked at her sheepishly. "Do I need to get rid of someone for you?" Kyouka asked, half-joking. Atsushi's eyebrows shot up quickly.

"No, no! Kyouka please calm down. It's really no big deal. I'm just lost in thought about something minor!" Atsushi explained. Kyouka nodded in apprehension.

"So.. What is this minor thing?" Kyouka asked him fully aware now that this issue was deeply troubling him. He sighed, he knew there was no escaping.

Akutagawa pov:

I layed in bed pondering. Why was I so weak? Dazai would never acknowledge me, I was sure, but I couldn't help thinking about it. Atsushi. Atsushi is the favorite. It makes perfect sense, he's no cold-hearted, ruthless murderer. It still hurts. All I want is Dazai to see me for what I am and for how hard I've worked to get here. Why can't he see my improvement? My dedication? It's all for him and yet he fails to see any of it. Every single time I changed myself for him he never took notice. Or maybe he did and he was so sick of a person to ignore it. I wanted to hate him, but he was the man who saved my sister and I. He was my former mentor. All the pain and suffering he gave to me shaped me. I am nothing without it. I'm such a failure to be wandering around in search of validation. How pathetic I truly am. It seemed so easy for that weretiger. How he joined a nobel organization and was blessed with friends, and the validation of the very man I needed acknowledgment from. He had a lucky life. Yet all he did was dwell on his past misfourtunes and pity himself over and over. I grew to care for him. Saying these bitter things filled me with guilt. Why had I developed feelings for someone so far away? Someone so different? Someone who would never look my way? Someone so kind and caring, so unlike me. Jealousy filled me again. I hated him, that weretiger. That was what I wanted to say. I knew it wasn't true. He was the first and last person who made me feel free. Who made me forget everything I wanted to escape. It was so silly. I barely knew him. I spoke to him briefly before our meetup during missions. Somehow, it had fueled a new feeling inside me, infatuation. I wanted to hold his hand, to make him smile, to make him laugh, to make him blush in the adorable way he always did. It was all so childish. A crush. A silly one too. If I push it down it'll soon leave and I'll forget of its existence. Yes, that must be my next move. Suddenly a ping from my phone broke all the thoughts that had crowded my head. I broke free from the trance I was in and looked at the depressing sight of my dark room. I hadn't gotten up in hours. I didn't want to. What was the point? Then again, if I gave up I'd never to get to hear the words I longed to hear so badly. I sighed and slowly sat up to see the message I had recieved. My eyes widened in shock at the name.

Jinko🐯: Hey Akutagawa :)

I felt a pang in my chest. Soon butterflies were fluttering. My cheeks burned slightly. I had ghosted him in deep jealousy and sadness. I regretted it now. He was always making me smile, in secret. No, I need to push these feelings down. I let out a shaky breathe. Keep this up, just ignore him. He'll get it. He'll leave me alone and never bother me again. We'll both forget everything and be back to normal. Back to our normal hatred.

Jinko🐯: Please don't be sad anymore. You're so strong. You're enough. You don't need to prove yourself. You're enough for me.

I chuckled at the text subconsciously. I felt tears brimming my eyes. How did he know? It had been years since I last cried. Why now? I let the tears fall and slowly started to laugh. There really was no way to push these feelings down was there? I felt a soft smile tug at my lips.

Jinko🐯: Let's meet at the cafe. I'll be there in 5 ♡

He knew exactly how badly I needed to talk didn't he? Finally I typed out:

Sure.