from just outside

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by that_one_tired_kid

by that_one_tired_kid

yes, I probably will write little notes before each story. sorry.

this is about the second ending credit sequence in jjk. like, lost in paradise is AMAZING, but the second one makes me so... emotional. the first time I saw it I cried like what??? I must be really sensitive...

The streets are so quiet and serene. The only sound is the quiet rush of the wind, gently picking up the fallen leaves and scattering them about the cobblestone. I feel the wind push against my scarf, feel the cold biting at the exposed skin of my face and hands, feel the warmth of my skin under the jacket, see my breaths freeze in the chilly air - hovering for a moment, then disappearing.

I am, undeniably, alive.

But why do I not feel like I am? Why do I already feel like a ghost, hovering at the edge of the living world, watching all of you from afar? Why do I feel hesitant to reach out?

This, I'm not sure.

What I'm sure of is that, one day - sooner or later - I will not be alive.

That's why I hold my phone out before me, record the scenes before me. Record memories that are mine, but not really mine.

You are all, undeniably, alive.

As you all run around the beach, smiling, talking, living, I hover at the edge, simply looking and smiling. I want to look at these memories before I die - look at my moments of happiness, now that I lived a life worth living, surrounded by those I loved.

But why do I feel so sad? So alone?

This is my grandfather's wish. This is my wish.

I should be happy now. But every moment of happiness I have, I feel like it's not me - feel like it's someone else, and I am apart from them, watching them from just outside.

You wave me over, and I set my phone down, walk towards you. Join in on the laughter, and the warmth.

Happiness settles over, and for a moment, I can forget who - what - I really am.

I can fill the loneliness with you, and you, and you, and you, and everyone.

I can feel whole, like maybe, just maybe, I can stop watching from just outside.

I can believe that I am, undeniably, alive.