Dare me, Amenadiel (Cagayan State University #4)

#DMA60

Narrative 2

Death

The wind whistled as I turned away from the phone and stared blankly at the moon. It had to feel lonely for a time. There are no dead stars shining brilliantly in the black sky. So painful to witness. Mag-isa lamang ang buwan na nakikita. At ang hangin lamang sa hardin kung nasaan ako ang nagpaparamdam na hindi ito nagiisa kahit hindi man makita.

I smiled sadly.

Only death, they say, can make the stars shine brighter. But does it really matter that a life is lost to put an end to the darkness?

I closed my eyes briefly.

Tumingala ako para makita muli ang buwan. It feels as if it understood the pain, rage, and desperation I am sheltering within me. Pain for knowing how this could end. Rage for wanting to ask for more. And desperation to live even if it's hopeless.

It took years for me to accept that this was my fate... na hindi ako magtatagal. And even so I have the very right to be angry, I never dared to question Him. Dahil alam kong hiram lamang ang buhay ng tao. It's just that there are lives too early to be taken and lucky are those who live long.

I got this illness from my father. It could be pass down through genetics. This was the sickness who cost his life and that he could barely survive from it that he chose not to be a burden to us. It was heartbreaking... and more excruciating when I was diagnosed as well when we moved to Japan. I thought, at first, I shouldn't argue or fight so I've only ask one thing... it is to live normally as if I never had the sickness.

Sa una, nahirapan akong tanggapin. Hindi ko kayang iwan si okasan na mag-isa. At may tao pa akong babalikan... mamahalin. But just attempting to think about is already a sin. So I did everything I could to push Amenadiel's feelings away and buried mine to forget.

Ngunit iyon ang akala ko...

The more I see how he's willing to pursue me made it so hard to resist. And I love him more everyday since then. At sa isang saglit, nakalimutan kong may sakit ako. Na normal lang ako. Just like that, I wanted more and I forget to think that all of these has consequences in the future.

Was I too selfish to dream that someday... I could live longer  to be with him?

Is it too much?

Lumipat ang tingin ko mula sa buwan papunta sa blangkong kalangitan. Kinagat ko ang pangibaba kong labi at napabuntong hininga. I hugged myself to find warmth from the coldness.

Katatapos lamang ng surgery ko sa nakaraang gabi. It wasn't to cure my illness but to prolong my life. At sa ilang araw akong nasa hospital, I was sleepless. Hindi ako makatulog na alam kong nagsisinungaling ako kay Amenadiel. I thought of what would he feel but I always end up thinking this is all for the better.

For him not to know about my illness. I hurt him enough in the past, I couldn't do it again this time. Part of me regret that I spoiled myself by giving us a chance to be together... to hope for an us is my death.

I love him. And I wanted to live long for him.

But why is it so... unfair?

I clenched my fist and glared above.

"I never questioned You..." I whispered, breaking the silence and letting the wind listen.

"I was obedient... I don't want to be angry at you for making me suffer because I know all of this has a r-reason!" I stammered, questioning God for the first time.

Tears began to fall at the side of my eye slowly.

I shook my head at the expense of saying the truth, "I don't wanna be angry at Y-You... Hindi Kita kailanman tinanong... Hindi ako kailanman nagalit Sa'yo..."