Why Can't I Hurt

Chapter 1

Loe

Ever since I met that unnaturally tall boy on the playground at school I've been stuck to him. I have no idea why but I never could let him go dispite how bad of a friend he's been.

But after these recent events in my life I've realized he don't give a shit about me. How can the person you claim to be your best friend and person you love almost kill themselves  and you not notice. Or when I called that night you took me for a joke and told me to be a big girl and suck it up.

And to top it off after I was in the psych ward for three weeks I never heard from you. Your reasoning was you were enjoying your summer in Cali and your didn't know. How can your "best friend"  be gone for weeks and you not notice. That's what really showed what I was to you, and I was nothing to him never would be.

Now that I've spent my whole summer in rehabilitation I'm ready to start my college life and start a clean slate.

I just finished decorating my dorm I looked at the final product and felt my eyes water. In the blink of an eye I felt my emotions skyrocket and anxiety go through the roof.

I didn't invision doing this by myself it was supposed to be a team effort. Me and Chris share a dorm and live college life together at our dream colleg. But here I am alone nobody to help or be here for me, it felt horrible to know I might be alone forever.

I took a long scorching shower and just laid in bed I didn't bother with clothes. I knew I wasn't gonna leave this bed or dorm any time soon. I felt a depressive episode coming on and I couldn't do nothing about it. The doctors say it's how I'm wired my emotions change drastically and so quickly medication is couldn't really help me. I had to just go through the motions and restrain my intrusive thoughts.

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It's been two weeks since episode my professors understood me and let me do my work online. Today was I'm first day of class, this was my chance to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people.

I woke up extra early shaved washed and flattened my hair and picked my best outfit. It was a long black spaghetti strap dress I would put on a jacket it's too hot for that bullshit. I looked at myself in the mirror, I liked what I seen but then I didn't. Im  short and compact I had wide hips with a big ole rum but I had an irritating pudge that wouldn't budge.

I had always been picked on for being more on the thicker side even by my mother. Which made me hate eating in public or wearing clothes that weren't baggy. I shook head and stopped judging myself I need to accept who I am as a person.

I grabbed my bags and locked up dorm, the heat of outside hit me and it made me want to go right back in the house and strip. But I had to go to classes, once I finally got on campus, it was so many people on the yard talking with friends, having lunch, and playing sports.

I really wanted to go back to my dorm soo bad but I can't keep avoiding this. So I walked the path to my class with my head held high while I gripped mt books tightly. I could feel eyes on my back but I walked as if it didn't bother me. After a while I had to just put my head down just for a second and just as I did I bumped into someone.

Like wth they weren't there just a minute ago. I could hear a deep and very familiar voice apologizing to me. I scrambled to pick up my books I finally looked up. I felt my heart start to beat a thousand miles.

"Chris"

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Hey y'all this is my new book that I've randomly wanted to post. This book will show what I'm struggling with on a daily. As of recently I've been suicidal and depressed I feel hopeless my support system has fell through and I feel alone. The pressure of school and the need to feel true love makes nothing any better. You guys I feel like curling up ina ball and hope to stay asleep. Its really hard because I've suppressed this feeling for years and it's finally showing. And writing this and just putting my feeling out there is really helping me.  So come along on my journey with my mental health, lets hope and pray I win this battle. I love u all