The Midnight Rantings Of Someone Lost

18

TW/CW
- talking about suicide
- talking about death
- alluding to self image issues

Today is my 18th birthday.
For the past 3 years I've refused to acknowledge or really celebrate it come the day.
As I got older I liked my birthday less and less.
Soon I was just using it as an excuse to hangout with my friends, and really only acknowledging it for my grandparents.
My grandpa's birthday is two days after mine, and they're always close to mothers day.
So every year my parents, grandparents and I would all do something.
Then February 26, 2019 my grandma died.
And then April 12, 2019 my grandpa died.
Suddenly my birthday got a lot harder to deal with.
My grandparents are the main reason I didn't kill myself, and when they died I was lost.
I still am.
Suddenly I was left to find another reason to keep going.
Luckily my reaming grandparent took that role, not for the same reason though.
No, I wasn't going to give her the privilege of out living me, I wasn't going to let her mourn me, because she didn't deserve too.
Then April 25, 2022 she died.
And now I'm just going, more lost than ever.
I'm left trying to prosecess the fact I never planed to actually live this long.
I never actually thought I'd be alive for my 18th birthday, or my high school graduation, any of it.
11 year old me wouldn't believe you if you said I'd live this long.
And that was true until I was about 16, up until then I never actually thought I wouldn't kill myself before I was 18.
Honestly even now I'm surprised.
surprised I made it to 18 without dying.
Supprised I made it to 18 without having to move out.
Surprised I never even tried to kill myself.
These aren't things that should surprise me, and thats what makes it hurt.
for a while after I lost both my grandparents I didn't think I was going to make it to the end of the year.
But here I am, 3 years later.
Missing them all the same.
The only thing thats changed is that the idea of making it another 6 years doesn't seem unlikely.
It's not even like I'm doing much better.
Just now it looks different.
now I just try not feel.
now I have a better hold on my anger.
now I'll stand up for myself.
now I have a family, that treats me the way a family should.
now I feel like myself, most of the time.
now I don't actively want to die.
but if I were told I had a year to live, I don't know if a lot would change.
I don't think I'd be sad.
I think I'd be okay with it.
that hasn't changed.
Death hasn't scared me for a long time.
I'm 18 now though.
I made it 6 years like this.
I can make it 6 more.
Or at least I have to tell myself that.
I turn 18 today and I never though I'd make it this far.

~~~~~~~~~
yeah so im 18 today and its fucking with me