found my sunshine

you are my reason, Sayori

'' You are my reason, after all. Sayori, you are my only sunshine, and if I were to lose you... ''

I stopped walking. I stared at her. She looked cheerful, but the gloomy mood between us was obvious.

I knew about her depression for a while now. We didn't know eachother for that long. With time, we barely talked to eachother anymore, but I decided to put an end on that about a week ago. I noticed her at lunch break and decided to chat a bit.

She was suprised. We quickly regained contact and met outside the school. That's when I noticed her behavior. When she was left alone, she seemed sad, depressed. But around her friends - she was oh so quickly happy and energetic again. This, obviously, didn't add up.

Eventually, I confronted her about it. It was really awkward, but she confessed - for a long time now, she was suffering for her depression. It wasn't her avoiding me - it was her not coming to school at all.

It was how her mood could ruin her whole day. It was how she could suddenly lose energy one day after a great one. She couldn't get up from bed. Her intrusive thoughts were winning. She started hating herself. I couldn't get it - she was so kind, and well, '' lazy '', sure, but when she would actually try to study, she was rather smart. Now I know half of her being lazy wasn't actual laziness - it was her depression. It was her lack of motivation. If she thought she couldn't achieve something, if she hated herself so much, she didn't want to try. Failure would hurt her too much.

I tried giving her some tips I found on google. She didn't want to talk to a proffesional, and in general - avoided the topic as much as she could. Well, I understood her on that part. It was a private matter. But she really needed help!

I wish that I would do more back then. But the thought of her commiting suicide didn't even cross my mind for a second. Okay - it did, fine. But not in her case, I didn't know her state was that bad. I mean, she wasn't sad all the time, so that was my assumption.

That it wouldn't end like this.

I'm walking her to her house, hoping she won't do it. But tommorow I will learn that she hung herself. That she gave up.

And I can't stop blaming myself. I didn't have any contact with her parents, but I'm sure I could at least try and tell them, warn them. God, I wish I could rewind time.

But I can't.

I'm sorry, Sayori.