Tbh I'm surprised I've made it this far. But I'm fucking hurting. I want to stay for my friends, family, my cats, school. I wanna grow up, have kids, see them grow up. But at the same time, I wanna make the most selfish decision ever. Suicide. It's my only way out. I don't even think about anybody else besides myself and me hurting. It is the WORST feeling ever knowing that YOU are the reason your mom wants to kill herself. I'm going insane. I'm going fucking crazy. I'm hallucinating way too much and it's getting worse. I've fainted twice these past 3 days. I found a new blade and I haven't used it yet. It's sharp, I'm waiting for the right time to just slice my wrists or throat open. That time will be soon. I'm not okay, and it's a fact. I haven't been okay in days. I'm losing the fight. My depression is winning. I'm so close. It feels as if it's the only way out. The drugs and alcohol aren't helping anymore. Only harming myself is. It doesn't even burn anymore. My mom found one of my newer blades (thankfully no blood YET) and she didn't even say anything, as if she knew. She just handed it back and went along with her day.
