chapter forty-two

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VI

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VI.

It has been a while since I entered the Palace, and since I have written in you. I did not know what I was expecting, but this place is truly colder than I had imagined it would be. It feels like the walls suck the energy out of your bones and the essence from your soul; I have been here for two weeks, and I feel like death.

The work in the Palace cannot be considered difficult, but I feel that each day is more draining than the last. Perhaps it is because there is no confidant for me here, but at the same time, I believe it must be better for me to stay here than to come back home. I must believe this, or I feel that whatever strength I have mustered to flee will disappear, and I will simply lose all courage.

Losing all courage is a dangerous thing. Without courage, I do not believe I can continue to hope.

***

IX.

The library within the Palace is beautiful. It is the largest thing I have seen, and it is very much a shame that I am not as literate as I wish to be. Perhaps my biggest regret in life would be that I cannot give my daughter the foundation she needs to be above me. Perhaps she will find that herself. Perhaps daughters are meant to be better than their mothers, but a selfish part of me refuses to give her what I did not have.

It doesnt matter. She will not have the chance to enter this library in this lifetime, nor this Palace. In my heart, I hope she never encounters my circumstances.

The longer I stay here, the more I feel that there is something strange in this Palace...

***

XIII.

That third prince is odd. He is the same age as my child, but when I look at him, there are no maternal feelings; I only feel cold. Perhaps it is   because the bearing of a prince cannot compare to my daughter's, a poor family's child from Babylon.

Compared to the other royal children, he is very polite, almost too polite. But he is a concubine-borne prince, so it is inevitable for him to be slighted by some servants. Everytime they do so, his smile does not falter, but I feel that his eyes grow cold...

It is almost like a demon, but his face also looks like it holds much sympathy.

I wonder if I am simply used to being observant, and have started putting in too many thoughts into what I see.

It is not good for a maid to think too much, and it is a capital crime to gossip of one's royal family. However, I have no human confidant to whisper to, and no one will know what I write in you. As long as I hide you well, no one will ever know.
It has been a while since I entered the Palace, and since I have written in you. I did not know what I was expecting, but this place is truly colder than I had imagined it would be. It feels like the walls suck the energy out of your bones and the essence from your soul; I have been here for two weeks, and I feel like death.

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