(Y/N)'s hands trembled as he held the envelope in his hands. It was the last correspondence he'd have from Bucky for the foreseeable future, so he wanted to make it worth it. He invited everyone to help themselves to Violet's pineapple upside down cake, and his whisky, whilst he poured himself a glass and retreated to the bathroom.
When he'd put the seat down and locked the door, he sat, staring at his own name in Bucky's messy handwriting. Looking at it, (Y/N) wondered how he'd even gotten through school with such lousy penmanship, it was barely legible.
'Do you want any of this cake, (L/N)?' he heard Sam shout from the cabin.
'Nah, yous finish it,' (Y/N) replied. He was feeling sick from all the biscuits he'd had and looking at the letter before him was making him feel nauseous. He sipped from his glass, choking a little bit as the whisky burnt the back of his throat. Then he peeled apart the envelope's seal and pulled out the letter, reading each word carefully.
DEAR (Y/N),
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY IT CAME TO THIS. I'M SORRY I HAD TO DO THIS BEHIND YOUR BACK. WE WANT A LIFE TOGETHER, AND WHAT WE WERE LIVING WAS NOT THE LIFE I THINK EITHER OF US HAVE IMAGINED OR DESERVE. I CAN'T LIVE WITH MYSELF, KNOWING THAT AT ANY MOMENT, I MAY HURT YOU. I'M AFRAID TO GO TO SLEEP, AND I'M AFRAID TO WAKE UP.
THE ONLY UPSIDE OF THESE PAST FEW MONTHS HAVE BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH YOU. HEARING YOU LAUGH, LISTENING TO YOUR STORIES, HOLDING YOU IN MY ARMS AT NIGHT. I'M NOT WILLING TO RISK ALL THOSE THINGS.
I'M SORRY.
I REALLY HOPE THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT. YOU'LL HAVE STEVE, SO I KNOW YOU'LL BE FINE, BUT I WILL NEVER STOP WORRYING. DON'T ISOLATE YOURSELF PLEASE. PLEASE STAY PRESENT AND ENJOY THE WORLD YOU HELPED SAVE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. PLEASE LAUGH, AND SMILE, AND JOKE; I THINK EVERYBODY DESERVES A LITTLE BIT OF THE (Y/N (L/N) I KNOW, THE ONE I FELL IN LOVE WITH SO MANY YEARS AGO.
PLEASE FIND IT WITHIN YOURSELF TO FORGIVE ME AGAIN ONCE THIS IS OVER.
I LOVE YOU.
THIS ISN'T GOODBYE.
- JAMES B BARNES XXX
(Y/N) folded the letter back up, sniffing slightly as he left the bathroom and shoved it into his kit bag gently. He wished he could return the gesture, tell Bucky that he loved him too, but once again he had left it too late. He was getting looks from Sam now, who sat opposite him and Wanda in the back of the plane as Steve piloted them towards Norway. He'd gotten a call whilst (Y/N) had been visiting Violet, a call from a friend who wanted to see them.
Steve had told him that he had met this friend at the airport, but (Y/N) couldn't remember much about that day. He'd been so tired that the only thing he remembered was seeing Wanda throwing cars at Tony Stark, chucking a plane at someone, and, of course, seeing Bucky again. 'You'll need to tell your cousin she makes the best pineapple cake I've ever tasted,' Sam smiled at him, patting (Y/N)'s shoulder as he made his way to the cockpit and sat beside Steve.
(Y/N) nodded, 'will do.' His fingers dug inside of his inside pocket, pulling out the photograph Violet had given him earlier on. Bucky didn't smile a lot nowadays, so it was nice having a photo of him laughing.
'Were you a soldier?' inquired Wanda, glancing over at his photograph, 'like Steve and Sergeant Barnes?'
(Y/N) shook his head, 'not like Bucky and Steve,' he told her, 'I was just the doctor for Bucky's regiment.'
YOU ARE READING
The Red Soldier: Rise of the Red Soldier
Fanfiction(Y/N) (L/N) had finally found peace, away from the horrors civilisation held. He'd found a solace when surrounded by his own grief, but a jet plane parked outside his front door changed all of that seventy years after the death of his two friends.
