The Great History

12 - Distance

_ I remember you telling me what the snow was like, and I just kept imagining it. We talked, you must remember. A tall, skinny, hillbilly snowdoll, which would be me, and a small, all-polyglot, high-water doll, which would be you. I've never been to London, why? But it didn't take long for me to see snow for the first time. It didn't take long. You know, when I got to the top of that mountain, it had been down for some time. It wasn't very white, but I made a doll anyway. Small. I took the buttons off my blouse and put big, black eyes on it, like yours and since you know, I've always had cinnamon sticks. Then I could say goodbye, do you understand? I could. As the sun melted my memories and more water added to my eyes, I said goodbye. It was so. But dying is part of life, isn't it? And I just wish I didn't. You know, I didn't want much, maybe a goodbye, since I knew I'd never have a "hello, soldier" again. Why don't people say goodbye to me? I must be very wrong in this life...

_ You are not wrong in this life. Can I try to explain?

_ You know you don't have to. Everything is fine now.

_ I remember my mother saying that at first my father had nothing but a little house with a garden, an old bed and some books, but he was happy. In fact, the happiest of the bunch and that's what enchanted her. But then they started dating and he believed he needed more, to give her a future. So he bought a car and a much better bed, getting rid of the old one that was comfortable and cozy. But it so happens that early on he saw some young people making out, leaning against his car. Then he had to build a garage, and half the garden was destroyed. But the neighborhood dogs started to enter it so he made walls, which ended up shading what was left of the garden, which ended up dying; there were no more flowers. Then, well, my mother got pregnant. He needed to earn more, and he sold the books he loved most to buy others, to study and have a future. He suddenly found himself without the books he loved, but he made money and moved house. Then he also changed cities and left his parents and all his friends, destroying in his fragile memory the love for his former residence. You don't get new parents, do you? So he ended up losing his and didn't make any new friends, because people couldn't be authentic with him, who now had money and power. Everywhere we lived it was like that. I was born when friends were just from the time we lasted somewhere and I don't even remember the ones I made where I studied, because I didn't even do it. All the mean people with me and even the teachers offended me. All the people were mean to me, and even the teachers insulted me. That's why he looked for friends in bars. That's where I met you, soldier.

_ I was just another temporary person in your life, wasn't it?

_ It's not that, being a bitch was my way of not suffering for those who would never love me. What if I really were everything they said I was? Crazy, crazy, insane, disappointing, alcoholic, drugged, an irresponsible dyke and a troublesome bitch? Soldier, you were charming...

_ I was ugly, right? I don't judge you. Quiet.

_ I thought it was funny you pronouncing the things I taught you wrong. No one has ever failed so beautifully in German as you.

_ There's a compliment I've never been given...

_ You know, I divided humanity into two categories; me, my parents and my brothers, who went with me, who stayed, you know? And the rest of the world, which was temporary. But even they were a little temporary. You know I spent time in London...

_ And L. A. and other corners.

_ Because in the end, everything was temporary for me, that's why I didn't see continuity in anything, and I always needed more, and more intensely. That's why I found her restraint so amiable. And your hillbilly and innocent faith in people's word, I knew they would hurt you over and over and over again. As I myself did. That's how I got lost, that's how I lost you, and that's how I ended up here, lost.

_ You didn't choose to make me suffer. You know, I always thought you were the best lost person in the world. I was only sorry you didn't know how to cook. In this, Duhghtér's soul glowed in shades of peach and pink because she had indeed always dreamed of someone who knew how to make buns. And cakes and puddings and pancakes. Those things that children who were very poor or whose mothers were always busy and dream about, because they almost never had...

_ Cook? You really enjoyed it. Yes, I remember you eating yogurt, hiding from your Army colleagues, and your eyes always sparkled in bakeries - she also smiled - I was confused and suspicious, wasn't I?

_ And I had very silly certainties. We would have gotten along just fine if we weren't so young.

_ I think we are getting along well here, with the age of the world.

_ Yes we are. They smiled and held each other's hands, and practically nothing more was said until the fireflies arrived. They said goodbye in tones and aromas of understanding and affection.

...

_ You had told me that you almost died because of my father. How did this happen, mother?

_ So, he was essentially a warrior. Not only did he unify the Latins, he spent his entire life at war with the Sabines. What people said was that he paid little attention to religious observances and that was because he considered them a kind of indignity for a figure as important as himself.

_ As far as I know the Romans, like the Greeks, even had priests and priestesses, but that was a dignity, not a social class. Why did it end up turning against him?

_ He was unlucky and people need an explanation, any explanation. You see, towards the end of his reign Rome was affected by a series of prophecies, including a very violent hailstorm. There was even a novedialis, a nine-day public religious festival. Then, always remembering that the Romans were very superstitious, they interpreted some clap of thunder as a loud voice, complaining that the Albanians had not shown devotion to their ancient gods, and a pestilence struck Rome.

_ The plague?

_ Actually a malaria epidemic. But anyway, Tullus became sick and full of superstitions. He revised the comments of Numa Pompilius, the king who preceded him, who was considered to be very pious, and tried to perform sacrifices recommended by him. However, Tullus didn't perform the ceremony properly, and then it went bad.

_ Like this?

_ So, in the popular version, both he and our house were struck by lightning and reduced to ashes, as a result of Jupiter's wrath. But what happened was not that. The truth is that Ancus Marcius and some of his followers came to our house with the intention of killing him and his entire family, namely me and my children, to ensure that there was no heir to the throne. They somehow hid their swords under their robes, and once the entrance to the house was reached, they stabbed Tullus, myself, and our children and servants, then razed the house to the ground, setting it on fire.

_ That my father had thousands of children I knew, but not that you already had other children before me? How did I never know!?!

_ For us women some things are more difficult. Méhtēr was visibly emotional.

_ What were they called? Galloncius, Julia and Marcus Sapius.

_ By the Goddess, mother! They hugged each other in silence. There was nothing to be said.