HEAD OVER HEELS - J. BREWER

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓: 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐌𝐄

The day seemed to drag on forever while I waited for Jack. Not only was it stressful to be missing school, but I didn't want to have to explain myself to everyone at the dojo. Especially so soon. It would just be putting salt on the wound.

    My extended family flew in and popped over at random points during the day. I put up with loose, awkward hugs all day as people I hadn't seen since before mom was sick came in to pass along their condolences to me and my dad. Dad played his emotions up a weird amount, especially given his lack of care towards mom over the years. Almost everyone, especially his side, commended him on how strong he was for caring for sick wife for so long. He took all of the credit for my sacrifice, and I couldn't even say anything. No one would believe me.

    It turned out that Jack made some sort of excuse to get out of practice as a whole that night, and just drove straight to my house while my dad went out to dinner with the rest of the family. It was only for adults, and as all of my cousins fit into that category, I was left alone. Very smart idea. Let's leave the fifteen-year-old girl whose mom just died in an empty house. While we go out for dinner. Without her. Great critical thinking, grown-ups.

Jack knocked softly, but because I had been waiting at the door since everyone left, it was open before he could even take his fist off. "Cerys?"

"Jack," I whispered as I collapsed into his arms. He held me up against himself and rubbed my back as my tears flowed down my face once again. "She's gone. And I wasn't here. If I just came home I could've called someone-"

"Cerys, don't you dare start blaming yourself for this. Look at me."

    I turned my tear-stained, puffy face to his and watched as his eyes softened. "It is my fault, though. How can you not see that?"

"Because it was natural. She just went, and that was that."

    "No one was here!"

    "It shouldn't be your job to have to be!" He sounded angry, but I knew it wasn't at me. "It's not fair that you had to sacrifice having a social life just because no one else cared enough to take care of her. It's not. And I know you see that, which is why this is not your fault. You were out with your boyfriend, training in a sport you love, and no one can blame her death on you being out. Someone else lives in this house too. It should've been his job to make sure your mom had everything she needed. You're fifteen, Cerys. It's not your responsibility."

    The tears sprung up in my eyes again and flowed down my cheeks in silent trails. "But even if it wasn't my job - which it was - I could've stopped this. If I had come home sooner, I could've called the ambulance, you, my dad, anyone to come help."

    "But you didn't, and that's okay. Your grief shouldn't be primarily guilt."

    I stopped at that. Your grief shouldn't be primarily guilt. I hadn't been allowed to be a child since before mom was sick, and even then, my dad could never stand when I acted my age. I had always been the "old soul" child. I took my anger out in my karate and dancing, poured all of my negative energy into failing school, and hated everyone because I thought no one would love me as much as my mom had. Maybe I was right all along. Maybe no one would love me as much as she did. But I knew damn well that there were at least five people willing to try, and that's what counted more.

    "You okay?" Jack asked after a long pause. I nodded slowly.

    "Just digesting what you said."

    "Fair. Do you want to get off your porch so your neighbors can't watch us?"

    I cracked my first smile in what felt like days. "Yes."