Choices II

~ 40 ~

"Happy 6th Anniversary" Ming barged into his house carrying flowers and the diamond charm that he had bought for Phana only to be welcomed by silence. He could see the partly decorated wall behind their dining table that hosted their silverware but he could not see his husband anywhere.

It was now their tradition to celebrate just the two of them the night before and then spend day with friends and family. He placed the flowers and the giftbox on the table and walked into their bedroom, partially thinking maybe Phana had a surprise planned but what he saw made him run to his husband.

Phana was sitting on the floor, resting his back against their cot, his knees pulled up to his chest and face buried but eerily still.

"What happened, what's wrong?" Ming asked the second he wrapped his hands around the older who simply leaned in and hid his face against his chest. "Phana... talk" his voice carrying is worry, making Phana take in a deep breath "I miscarried again... I was going to surprise you as I tested positive just a day before and today I lost it"

Ming didn't say anything, he knew how much Phana desperately wanted a child and had undergone treatments.... But this was the second time he had conceived and miscarried. The doctors blamed the prolonged effect of suppressants but Phana, blamed himself.

"it is okay" Ming softly ran his hands over the others back "it is okay"

Phana remained silent, "sorry – I spoiled our anniversary plans"

Ming pulled back and looked at his husband's face, yes he was devastated at the news not because they lost the child but because he knew how much Phana will beat himself over something he had zero control on.

"I am hurt too, as hurt as you" Ming said softly, "but not because you miscarried but because how much it hurts you". He placed his hand on either side of Phana's face and lifted it up to look at him "I have told this before, and will tell this again until you get in that thick skull of yours, I am happy as long as I have you, as long as you are happy.... Seeing you smile makes me smile. It kills me that I can't help you get the one thing you crave for... but baby, please... please stop blaming yourself"

Phana remained silent

"you didn't lose it" Ming said, "let's rest for now and stay in tomorrow. I will cancel our plans and let's just go out by ourselves, somewhere , anywhere just by ourselves"

Phana nodded, but Ming shook his head "say it... say it was not your fault, I want you to repeat it until you start believing it"

Tears started running down as Phana repeated those words like a child "it is not my fault, it is not our fault", Ming leaned in and placed a soft kiss "say that you Love me, love us and will stay strong for me"

"Ming...." Phana paused and took a deep breath "I love you!"

"and I you" Ming said, "that is all that matters"

------

Phana watched as he sat in the front row holding a now 4-year-old Akshara on his lap. Next to him was Kit and Prae with their newborn. Ming was on his other side, he shifted just so that he can intertwine his fingers with that of Phana's.

"Don't you get teary eyes again and cause another storm" he whispered in Phana's ears, but he very well knew what was causing this gloominess.

Phana shook his head, "nope... am happy this time. They are making all the right decisions."

"We are too" Ming said softly, they were both trying and just couple of weeks back Phana has suffered a miscarriage, but they decided to take it slow – they are still young, and adoption was always an option. Phana simply adjusted himself and laid his head on Ming's shoulder, just in time for the couple to walk in.