Denial

Chapter 25

Eric's POV

After Four took Alanza away, I couldn't stop worrying about her and what she had seen in her landscape.

Having her on my mind is not unusual, but since finding out about what she is and watching that sim, most of my thoughts have been angry.

I know I'm not the most trustworthy guy, and I've been an ass, even in the ways I was trying to win her back. But how could she think so low of me that she would believe I'd betray her like that?

After everyone was done for the day, I went to the dining hall. I asked one of the people serving the food if they had seen Four or Alanza. I was told they had been through but Four had ordered their lunch to go. I knew I couldn't just show up at his place. He'd never let me in now.

So, I waited until dinner.

Once dinner arrived, I sat close to the door so I would see her immediately. But Four came in without her.

"Hey!" I called, jogging up to him. "Where is she?"

He rolled his eyes, "Just leave her alone, Eric. She's pretty unstable right now."

"I just wanna know that she's okay."

"Um, no, she's not. She got knocked up by some ass with anger issues, then he hurt her, then after trying to win her back, he found out the truth and now she's terrified that the last thing she sees will either be her father, her godfather, or the father of her child, holding a gun to her head. Oh, and apparently, she's been bottling up issues of still wanting the douchebag, even from me, her best friend."

"I would never hurt her."

"You already have." He growls before walking past me.

"I wouldn't hurt her like that, and you know it."

"It doesn't matter what I think. What I know is I thought she couldn't sleep at night, even with me on the floor next to her because she was terrified that someone was going to come and get her in middle of the night. But instead it was because she was terrified of being in love with her killer, and she felt like she had no right to feel heartbroken because she doesn't feel he was ever hers to begin with. I know my pregnant best friend had just seemed to sort out her feelings for you, and then everything turned to shit again, and the shit keeps on coming, never letting her breathe. What I know is that she's scared of what happens if you don't report her to her father and Max. She's scared of going on feeling like she does about you. From what she told me, I can tell you, it's almost certainly crossed her mind that at least if you told them, and they came for her, she would be a peace and not feel like she's suffocating on her own heart. What I know most of all, she is was hell of a woman, and you don't deserve her love. But I can't judge her on who she loves, the heart wants what it wants. I just wish for her sake, that she could feel that way about someone who wouldn't leave her wondering where she stands."

With that, he turns and continues to the food pickup spot.

Alanza's POV

I never left Fours place last night. I just couldn't face everyone yet. But I'm about to have to.

Today is the evaluation.

All five leaders will sit and watch me face my deepest fears.

Hopefully, I can stop sim Eric before he says too much and gives me away to the people I love.

"Time to head up." Four says, standing from our table. Everyone follows suit, but I stay frozen until he reaches his hand out to me. "Come on. You can do this."

We all slowly make our way up, but we still get there too soon for my liking.

I see the leaders all waiting in their seats outside the room. My eyes meet Eric, but I look away quickly. When my dad sees me, he waves me over to them. Thankfully, Four follows.

"Hey, dad." I hug my dad, and then Max, "Max, Eric." I look down for a second just saying his name.

"Nervous, hun?" Dad asks.

"Very much so." I admit, unable to not glance at Eric. His face gives nothing away.

"Well, at least you're at least semi-close with more than half of us, so it's not like spilling your secrets to a stranger." Max laughs.

"Yeah. Not to be too gross, but all three of us have seen you naked, so this should be a piece of cake." Dad jokes. When nobody else laughs, he asks, "What? Can I not be honest?"

"Yeah, no, not about that, Dad. Just too much." I grimace.

"It's not my fault I had to change your diapers, or that you would run around naked as a toddler or that you have a taste for men in leadership. Though you do get that from your mother."

"Okay, and I'm gonna go now," I smile at him, "But please, no more."

"Oh, you're no fun." He pouts.

"I'll see you later dad. Love you. Love you, too Max." I tell them before turning to Four, "I'm gonna go sit with the others."

"Okay, I will see you afterwards, when we celebrate you officially becoming a member." He smiles.

I wave bye to them all before walking to my friends who have already sat down.

It's agonizing when you have to sit and wait for something like this.

I ended stage two in rank three, so, my wait it quite long. All I can do is watch Eric and Four, switching over and over.

Every time Four catches my eye, he gives me a reassuring smile. Thankfully, Eric's back is to me and he's wearing some kind of headset most of the time, so he doesn't catch me staring.

Finally, after what felt like days, Four calls my name.

I step in front of the door and he puts the needle to my neck. "Remember, just stop him from even getting close to saying the word. You will be fine. I will be right out here waiting for you."

I nod before glancing one more time at Eric. I expect his usual cold expression, but something else is there. Something I don't recognize. Before I can think too much about it, I look down and step in.

Almost immediately, the room goes dark and I feel the tiny legs crawling on me. But by this point, it's easy to get through this, and most of the others. Even the fear of hurting someone I love, I just shoot Four. It still brings tears to my eyes but I get through it.

Then, I am in Eric's apartment.

"Did you really think that I could love someone like you?" He snarls at me. I have to remind myself this isn't real. This is not Eric.

I stand in front of him as he continues to say nasty things to me, trying to keep tears from falling and then it hits me.

This is not Eric. This is me. This is my fear, my brain. And now it all makes sense. Yes the fear changed, but only because he knew, and I could no longer fear that he would reject me for because he already had. I already lived it. So, it changed slightly to him just straight out rejecting me and that's why he never said the word even after I let it go on so long last time.

My fear wasn't of him finding out what I am or about him reporting me. It was rejection.

Suddenly, I look up. I hadn't realized I had looked down or that I was crying. But I find he's still taunting me.

Then I decide my plan. The best way to get through a fear of rejection.

Put myself completely out there.

No holding back.

So, I took three big strides forward and grab his face, surprising him, and I kiss him.