Like Real People Do [🗸]

23. exams

Winter exams come around and slap me in the face. 

Things crack down hard once winter rolls around. It's all frigid - the weather, the halls, the stringency of the exam schedule. I haven't dropped by Elliot in almost a week. Our phone calls haven't even been as consistent. 

He says it's okay. In fact, he constantly says it's okay. But it's not. It's not okay. He understands why I'm busy, after all, he's busy too. He barely gets time outside of class and counseling. Yet, time and time again, over the phone he assures me that it's okay. 

Elliot is talented in many areas, and he's especially talented in acting like things are okay when they aren't. He's so talented in that field that sometimes he convinces himself that everything is okay when it isn't. 

I think we both feel like assholes, despite understanding that we shouldn't, and exams are going to take time. It's almost the whole thing with college. I feel, however, like the biggest assholes because the truth of the matter is Elliot has gotten significantly better at managing his time. It also helps that dancing is his thing. He has so much passion for it that it only ever feels like work when he overdoes it. And he's stopped. 

So, here he is, constantly calling me and asking me if I want to meet up and it constantly feels like I'm the one saying no. He invited me out maybe twice this week and both times I was unable to make it - lecture, studying. I squeezed in a facetime later, but of course, it's not the same. And it was so late at night that I kept on falling asleep.

Elliot cut the call off short because he didn't want to ruin my relatively consistent sleeping record. I've gotten a lot better at sleeping, at handling insomnia. Funnily, it's the one thing that hasn't suffered due to exams. Some nights I get less hours than others, but it's never gotten to the same point it got to at the beginning of this year, when five hours was an accomplishment. 

Now no one told me how difficult it was keeping up with a relationship while you're in college. And I realize that Elliot asking me out before exams was likely not timely. However, would I say agree to it again if asked to redo the situation? Yes.

So, I'm sort of in a dilemma. And I'm exhausted despite the fact that I'm getting sleep. Burnout. Being mentally tired is evidently a very real thing. On top of that, I'm nauseous. Elliot would get it, but how shitty would it be for me to barely call him and then the one time I do, it's to dump my personal shit on him?

So, I don't do anything about the nausea. The only good thing about it is that it doesn't get much worse. Still. It's an unwelcome addition to everything else I'm juggling. 

So, of course, when I'm laying down on my bed, eyes on the ceiling, Basil gone for a Journaling lecture, the last thing I expect is a facetime.

When I first hear the request, I assume it's Elliot, which is dumb because if I didn't know any better I'd say that Elliot was giving me space - a lot of space that I'm not sure I'm a huge fan of. However, when I see the person making the request, I practically stumble out of bed, reaching over to my desk and grabbing my phone before returning to bed.