Not Anyone | Vernon

Chapter 24

I went back way more sooner than I had initially expected for tonight.

We couldn't even go. It just felt like we took some air for a couple of minutes outside the hotel building and went back inside again and parted ways like nothing even happended. Well, nothing really did happen.

Only the part where that lady came in, and that's it. But, after that, it made me somehow realize that it was rational of me to doubt, the thing between Vernon and I. If there really was actually a thing.

But, anyway, for the first time in my entire life, maybe, what my guts were telling me were right. It was just right to contemplate before getting ahead of myself.

I closed the door behind me, bringing my hand up to my face and swiftly wiping the tears with the back of my palm, smiling to myself thinking how pathetic I was for even shedding a tear in the first place.

Tears has been so hard to prevent these days. . or just today. . or right now.

I wish I could just automatically turn off my feelings, and all the tears that wants to fall.

With my shivering hands, I took off my sandals and immediately went to the bed and plopped on my stomach, my face shoved to the pillow.

And it was that moment when I couldn't control my tears anymore, I could just hear my sobs, and feeling all the worst feelings, yet, at the same time, feeling nothing.

I don't know who that lady is, but, she made me look at a person differently and instantly made me feel like I was actually nothing to that person.

I wish I could just call my friend, Gia right now. She gives the best advices. . but, not really. However, she can instantly make me feel better, even just hearing her voice eases me when I'm going through something.

But, I'm most certain that she'll find it weird if I will call her crying not knowing what the hell am I crying about when she usually always knows.

And now, I feel more guilty of not telling her anything about how my trip was going, even a teensy bit of information about Vernon and the things we did together.

I feel like right now is too late for everything, too late to story-tell to my friend on how much of a fairytale I had the past days I came here in Spain, too late to tell Vernon that I actually developed real feelings for him, too late to fix my feelings any longer, and too late for Vernon and I to work things out.

I wish we actually did work things out; because if we did, I wouldn't have to doubt him like this, I wouldn't have to cry over a guy all over again. But, the more I think about how he didn't made things work for us when we had a lot of time for that, the more I'm believing and admitting to myself that I wasn't his choice. And she came along.

I was walking through the narrow hallway back to my hotel room after having lunch at a walking distance restaurant. I just thought that it would be a great idea to eat outside since the four walls of my room are slowly suffocating me, and it kind of went the way I wanted it to be, the outside air cleared out my thoughts for awhile, but not entirely to the point where I could consider myself at ease.

However, for the next hours, I'm going to have to spend it laying on my bed, staring into nothingness thinking about where everything went wrong.

As soon as I got a clear view of my room's door, there Vernon stood again like how he did yesterday when he came to ask me out to a night park hang out. And, it was also just yesterday when all that confusing things happended, yet, I'm already seeing him again.

I'm not even sure now how did I have the motivation to get off my bed earlier and manage to get outside and get fresh air.

"Hey. . Vernon.", I said, and almost in an instant, he turned around to face me. He was as confused as yesterday when he saw that I was actually outside of my room.

"Liv. . uhm . . where'd . . where'd you gone to?", He asked, and he seemed like he genuinely wanted to know. Because for some reason, those type of questions in these types of situations are just asked for the sake of carrying out a conversation.

I cleared my throat. "I had lunch. . well, technically brunch, since I didn't get to have breakfast because I. . uh. . I . .", I literally had to stop myself from spitting more words. Why was I so awkward? Why did I try to explain to him when all I had to do was to give a simple answer?

Someone has to tell my why.

Vernon nodded his head while pressing his lips into a thin line. His eyes strayed around the floor, he was quiet and he seemed to be thinking about something.

And I wish that he was thinking of explaining. I just truly wish he would explain.

After a couple of seconds, his eyes met mine again as he drew a slight smile on his face, and for some reason, it looked hurt and the opposite of what a smile truly is for. "Then what about dinner later, do you already have any plans?"

"What about yesterday?", I asked as soon as he finished talking.

"What do you mean about yesterday?", His forehead creased like he was trying to show that he was confused, but still, somehow, he looked like he knew what I meant, and I'm sure he does.

"Aren't you going to explain?"

"Explain about what?"

"I know that you know about what I mean, Vernon.", I took two steps closer to him. "Please, just explain. Tell me something that you want me to know."

He avoided my eyes and looked at the side with a sharp exhale. "I can't talk about it. I don't want to talk or even think about it anymore."

"Don't talk about it? So, you're just going to pretend like nothing as big as your ex or whatever coming back? You're just going to walk away from this problem like the way you walked away from her yesterday? You're just going to let me think of whatever while we continue doing our thing that is until now, nonsensical to me?"

He looked back up at me again, heaving a sigh. "It's not that, I'm not pretending, I'm not walking away from anything, and I told you, it's not what you think."

"You're doing it again, you're pretending, you're walking away without even facing it."

"Please, Liv. This is not our problem. I don't want to talk about it with you."

"And that is why I am so afraid to validate my feelings, because. .", I took a deep breath, because hell, it was starting to get suffocating again. "because. . you make me feel like nothing. I feel like I'm just someone you talk to and spend your time to to get temporary fun. Do I seem like a person who doesn't care about anything that happens to you? Do you expect me to just sit around and play with you whenever you want me to?", I rubbed my palm against my eyes up to my forehead. And as I look at him in the eyes again, I feel like choking up. "I am so confused right now and. . all I need is for you to explain."

"Liv. . ", He shook his head, his eyes sparkling because of the tears forming in them.

"No?", I asked him and he would just stay wordless. "Alright, no. That settles everything.", I took a deep breath before taking a step back. "I'm sorry if I can't trust you the way you want me to."

I looked down on the floor as I walked past him, going inside my room quietly.

This happened yesterday too. And twice it happended, it hurts twice as it did yesterday as well.

And now, there's so much more to think about, so much more to doubt and so much more to cry about.