Enthralled

capitulo doce.

It had been a blissful week of dog walking; school runs and quality time with the people I'd owed so much to and I could feel a difference in myself. There was no doubt that I loved my job- hell, I lived and breathed for it before I moved in with Mahdi and put roots down- but now, it felt good to be present in all aspects of my life. Although, I had to admit that I'd been running out of things to entertain myself with while everyone I knew was at work. I supposed that was part of the reason for my sabbatical as well; I didn't know who I was outside of my job. I was a nurse, a great nurse even but what more about myself could I uncover while that part of me was shelved?

So, when the time came for my session with Dr Jade, I expected her to be... proud of me. However, the good doctor sat quietly for the majority of our session and allowed me to speak uninterrupted. At one point, I thought I saw her cock an eyebrow in uncertainty but the expression came and went in a blur. Maybe I had imagined it.

"Why do I feel like you're not on board with any of this?" I asked Dr Jade plainly. Speaking openly had never been one of my issues and I'd surprised myself with how long it had taken me to voice my concerns to the therapist.

Dr Jade crossed her legs at the ankle and regarded me thoughtfully, almost as though she wasn't quite sure to begin after I'd spent fifteen minutes going on about how much I'd needed a break from work and how much I loved walking Onyx in the mornings. In some ways, Dr Jade's expression reminded me of the way that one might look at someone they'd just met; with curiosity and wonder. I wondered how it all must have seemed to her, clearly I had been off base with regards to her hopes for me- maybe she expected me to stay true to who I'd been in the beginning, but wasn't that the whole reason that I'd started therapy? To move beyond the carefully constructed persona that I'd adopted for most of my life? The look on her face was almost... disappointed.

"Well, Arinze." Dr Jade paused, trying to find the right words. "I worry that you're running away from one problem and focusing all of your energy on another one- one that you think is easier to address." Dr Jade's eyebrows furrowed, like she'd seen the exact moment when my face fell and regretted speaking. "Don't get me wrong, I believe that it's admirable to nurture parts of yourself that were previously neglected but Arinze... what's the plan for when you return to work?"

I shrugged, deflated by her response. I had pictured the session in my head a hundred times before my appointment, and I never thought that Dr Jade would respond so wearily to the decision that I'd made. Work was hard, it was hell at times and I knew that I needed a break. Was Dr Jade right though? Had I simply pushed one issue aside so that I could focus on something that was easier to change? No, surely not. Not after I'd made such a grandiose show of taking time off, there had to be more to it.

"To be honest with you Doc, I'm not sure yet. I'm not even sure if I'll still want to go back after this break." I could've kicked myself for how unsure I sounded when the words fell out of my mouth. Dr Jade had definitely given me something to think about; I'd always appreciated her candor and that wouldn't stop simply because we disagreed.

Dr Jade hummed and looked down at her notebook. "What I really want to say may come off a bit harsh Arinze, but our therapeutic relationship was based on pure transparency." She sighed, eyes bouncing from the page to my face. "This is reminding me of when you transferred to a different department at work after you experienced a traumatic event. We've been speaking about all of the changes that have happened recently and you possibly becoming overstimulated by them and it feels like you've chosen to address that issue while running away from the way that your work has been making you feel as of late."

Her words stung, though I couldn't deny that there was truth to what she had said. She was right. I had run away- again. Only, I also needed a break from work; I was stressed out and exhausted and I couldn't balance my personal and professional life healthily any longer. But maybe that was the problem. I had never truly tried to balance both parts of me, instead I tried to maintain them while attempting to give the same amount of energy to each part. Damn, I hated to feel so wrong, hated to be reminded that in many ways, I still didn't know myself the way I needed to.