On Thin Ice

Spring Forest

The old bus rattled and squelched along the road layered with mud and melting snow at 7am. Standing among the hundred others in the rat race, I looked out of the window mindlessly. I was still in the daze carried over from the dream last night. What did I dream of?

It was a university school reunion. Gai was not there. Tian came back waving two flight tickets at me. They were for us. The glitters in his eyes were just like 3 years ago. The excitement and relief were expanding inside me. Yet niggling at the corner was a hint of doubt, would it work out, this time?

Tian was the best boyfriend you could find, kind, caring, loving and gentle. He tolerated all my moods and quirks. But I always had my eyes for Gai, this mystery man, aloof, detached, gliding around like he belonged to another world. I was so intrigued. Tian once said to me: "I know I am not the person you love the most". Yet he kept on loving me, determinedly, full heartedly.

But what was love anyway? Was it comfort and safety, the reassurance of being loved, the resonance for another person's pain, or the yearning to be seen, the wanting and aching? What was love? Was I chasing the ghost?

I didn't have an answer. All I knew was that I was tired, my body weak and wobbly, barely making my daily functioning. When I was weak and wobbly, Tian would wrap his arms around me, like a fuzzy blanket in winter when the power was out. But he wasn't here anymore. He was gone, I left him.

Around midnight, when I was in bed, having managed to put away all these troubling thoughts and yearnings, my cell started ringing. It was Tian. Gai was fast asleep after the big night. Without a thought I snatched it and threw it under the duvet. Gai turned over. When the ringing stopped, I started to gasp in disbelief, which soon turned into a sense of loss.

Needing a drink, I jumped out of bed. The full moon was illuminating the living room with a sheer of calm blue. I checked the phone again. It WAS Tian. A missed call 2 minutes ago. Just as I was gazing at his name, it started ringing again. I paused for two seconds, and picked up.

"Hello." tentatively he said.

"......"

"Just wanted to see how you are."

"I am ok. It's been a while." I managed to utter.

"It has been."

"......"

"I have missed you."

Tears started to roll down. I paused for a second, and said, almost inaudibly: "I've missed you too." looking over to Gai in the bedroom. "You have been drinking." I quickly added in a louder voice.

"How did you know?"

"Because you wouldn't have rung otherwise."

"I suppose so."

"How are you?"

"I am good...... busy."

"You are looking after yourself?"

"I am. Are you?"

"......" I couldn't say yes, tears flooding.

"Look after yourself......for me"

"I'll try." holding back the choking in my voice.

"I guess I will let you go now"

"Ok. Bye."

"Bye."

The silver moon has silently moved its way to the west, casting a mysterious shade of light around the prolonging shadows of the night. A spring forest with seedling sprouting out from around my feet. I stood in the trance until waking up to an urge for a wine. I brought myself to the kitchen and opened a red. Just while I was pouring, something shifted inside. I paused for a few seconds, and tipped the wine down the sink.