On Thin Ice

Second Chance

I was sitting on a crackling bench with brown peeling paint in a park in South Guangzhou. This was a week later, morning sun touching my face gently. Unlike the grey winter in the North, there was so much green, even in the middle of the city surrounded by heavy traffic. Guangzhou felt a world apart from Beijing. I guess that is because Tian lives here. I am here to meet him, after 2 years. A life time of 2 years. I left him, now I am back.

I couldn't keep still, my palms sweating. I stood up. Tian was still not in sight. I texted him upon landing two hours ago "Surprise! Meet me in Central Park." He replied immediately "See you at 8:30." Pacing up and down, I imagined him with his arms open for me, like every single time after we had a fight. But why did I leave?! What the hell possessed me?....

A thin tall guy walked up from the corner of my eye. It was Tian. My heart skipped a beat. I gazed into his face. The same shy smile, just a bit weathered.

"You haven't changed one bit." he said.

"I SO HAVE" I wanted to say, instead tears rolled down my face. I looked down, my fabric white converse was slightly muddy and damp from the dews in the lawn.

I was cold. Tian took off his jacket and put on me. Boy! What I need is a hug. I trembled underneath his jacket.

"Let's go for a walk." he suggested.

We strolled along the concrete winding path. A few kids were running up and down, frolicking with high pitched laughter, not far away from us. Tian was an arm away from me, hands in his pockets. We walked in silence, until he asked: "How is Gai?"

"He is busy. You know, working 24/7."

"He is doing well. Not easy being a lawyer."

"I guess...He is too busy for me."

"Hmm, that's no good."

"It's not......But I'm here now."

"Have you talked?"

"That's the point, he is too busy for that." trying to hide my frustration.

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No! listen to me, we are not doing well. It's not working!" bravely I broke.

He slowed down and looked at me, and then kept on walking with his head down. I couldn't work out that look.

"Are you sure? Does he know what you are thinking?"

"I don't know...that's beside the point." My voice weak and subdued.

"Yeah?"

"I don't think he wants it to work...... Look at me, that is all left in Beijing, left behind. I was so glad that you called." I stepped in front of him, looking straight into his eyes.

"I was drunk..." hesitantly.

"What does that mean?"

"There's always a part of me that wants to stay in the past. When I was drinking that part was woken up. I wanted us to go back in time...... You know I care about you. Always will."

"You wanted us to go back in time."

"Yes, when I was drinking...... But it's not that simple."

"It is simple, it is simple! If you want it to be. I am here now, real and alive."

"I don't know..." he murmured.

"I know I hurt you. I didn't know what I was thinking. Didn't know what I wanted."

"You didn't know?"

"I know that sounds absurd. I guess good things take time. Time has made me realise he is not for me. I wish I had known this."

"Me too."

"We can go back in time, we can! I am here now, aren't I? Nothing has changed. I am here now."

The sun was gone. Giant dark clouds were rolling towards us, rumbling thunder brewing further away.

After a long pause, "I, actually, I have met someone." he broke awkwardly, looking down.

My heart dropped. I stopped, trying to catch his eyes. He looked up with a deep sadness. My heart dropped further, while my puzzled eyes asked him to say it again.

"I have met someone."

A thunder cracked above us, letting down a million raindrops. I stared into the distance; my body frozen. I was melting into the rain and the universe, into the numbness of nothing. Tian tried to yelled at me about something, through the pouring rain, his mouth moving without making a sound. Finally, he grabbed my arm and dragged me across the field, muddy water splashing around us, all the way to his car.

Now I was shivering, my teeth chattering. Tian snatched the new box of tissue from the dash board, made a few attempts to open it with his trembling hands, and grabbed a stack of them, which he stamped onto my hair and face, gently and intentionally. My face only three inches from his, his eyes teared up. Now I finally worked out what he was saying "I am sorry". Strangely, I had no tears. In my head, I was being washed away in a flood. I was washed away, until I clutched onto a rock and looked back at his face, "I am sorry too". I reached over and kissed his cheek, "I am sorry". He sunk into a sob.