Let Her Go

Chapter 2: Stardust

ASTRA

IT WAS SATURDAY and it meant one thing. It's time to clean up, declutter and be a woman who is a fan of cleaning. It's been two months since I got this apartment along Cubao. Stanford Subdivision is a safe place and mas malapit sa office. Hindi pa hirap sa pamasahe.

I started checking the small box and saw my diary last 2022. It's been two years since I stopped writing. I stop telling how I feel. I stop feeling alive. I look at it and feel that nostalgic feeling. A combination of happiness and sadness.

And you know why I stopped writing? I have this habit of reading it back and the worse it is... Those memories became alive in my head. The surreal one.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down on my sofa. As I read the first entry my heart swells too much. I am happy indeed. That's why I kept on scanning and saw the date.

"April 03, 2022."

The date that my heart remembers as I felt something on it. I started to read it aloud so I can reminisce about it. Like... hurting myself again.

"That feeling subside. No words can express how that thing is painful. Akala ko noong una sanay na ako. Sanay na kahit anong gawin niya hindi ako masasaktan. Kahit anong nakita niya ng mabuti o maayos. Miminsan ay di pa sapat.

That's when I started to lose that feeling. That sense of love. Na alam ko paunti unti ay nauubos na. Simpleng bagay lang pero para sa akin ay iba yung pakiramdam. Normal lang ba iyon? Yung paunti unti nang nauubos?

Pakla akong ngumiti habang inaalala kung paano nag umpisa mawala ang nararamdaman sa tao... Sa isang tao na akala ko bubuo ng buhay ko hanggang pagtanda. Sa lalaking magiging akala ko.

Akala ko ako yung may problema. Aminado naman ako doon. Pero siya ba? Naitanong niya ba kung paano ko magagawa lahat? Paano ko nakikimkim lahat ng nararamdaman ko.

I do love him. But I am too tired to keep waking up on the same track every day. I am tired of trying to fix things. I am not that selfish to keep him. For what reason? To hurt myself more.

No. And that ends here. Stop being so selfless, Astra. Stop, please. Stop crying right now. I know you will be alright but always remember that you always deserve the best."

I do deserve to be happy, and it's been two years and that happiness is nowhere to be found in me. That happiness that I am longing for has been what... Gone? I don't know but I am trying to be found or should I stop finding it and let that thing come after me.

I close the diary and grab the nearest trash bin. I go outside of the garden. My house has its own garden. It is an apartment, but the structure is like a house. Sabi ni Landlord, mas gusto niyang may halaman at garden pa. And sakto na nasa first floor ako so no worries.

I glance at the diary as I put them to the fire. I watch as the pages burn and turn to ashes. But it did satisfy me. That every ounce of emotion that I write on those pages is getting lifted in my chest. That at last, I am trying to move on. After two years?

This is not bad. Progress is still progress.

I sip my coffee. Wondering what is waiting for me in this life. Keeping myself wondering when I heard a sound of... a cat.

"Meow."

I looked for it and saw a white-ish gray cat and it seemed lost. Just like me.

"A pet is not that bad." I muttered and the cat walked through me. And just keep saying meow.

I grab the cat and went inside. I am glad that I have this fresh milk on my fridge. And look for my old clothes. Bukas na ako bibili ng pagkain at gamit. And i papacheck up ko sa veterinarian.

"Meow."

The cat is so cute and drank the milk. And now finish decluttering. I have 2 balikbayan boxes and 3 medium boxes. Mukhang matatagalan ako dito.

"God, I am so freaking messy."

"Meow," the cat answered, and I just smiled.

"What should I name you?," I asked the cat and knew that it would never answer me but that's what the pet does.

Listen to you.

"I know... I should name you... Stardust!" I exclaimed and clapped my hands for excitement.

"Meow."

"Stardust it is. So, I am Astra, and you are Stardust."

Stardust keeps me accompanied and listened to my rants and anything...

And for the first time... I feel like I am not lonely. 

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Thank you and Happy reading!

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Love,

M