Some of this are topics I don't talk about too much...
Just discovered a part of myself. I've been having this unfocused, not confident and socially awkward problem. And I've never really had it or noticed it till now.
My confidence problem being: I say something funny and I take it back saying "oh god that was so cringe." Or "joking—" also I'm not that confident in my opinions or answers. Like I second guess myself all the time. And I usually just agree with everyone, afraid I'm wrong.
A new word I discovered is socially selective. But I feel like I come off as anti-social or a social outcast kinda deal. Even though if somebody struck up a conversation with me Id gladly join in.
And I feel like that's apparent to most people I know. If I'm being honest I'd rather just play connect four then try to strike a small conversation that lasts 2min.
And then. There's friend groups. I know some friends and they know some friends and then they know everyone and i only know my friends so I'm basically ignored. And I'm terrible at small talk so....I just stand there awkwardly waiting for someone to find a topic I know too.
I've been so unfocused lately. Like I can't talk correct or think straight, random words just fall out of my mouth sometimes. Like today, I was saying goodbye to a friend and instead, I said: have a good weekend.
It's Monday. God, I guess they can tell I really want it to be Friday X'D
Like I can't think straight, but I don't think I'm thinking at all. I don't think I'm distracted...maybe exams? I'm not sure. This whole school year has been a roller coaster.
Speaking of rollercoasters, god, I'm so weird. Some boys I'm fine with and then others I just, I freeze up and I feel so (mushy feelings) and it's like: "no. Why. Stop."
And that's why I don't talk to them and if I do well I might explode, okay maybe not explode. But something like that.
it's also weird. Like I've never experienced anything like this (hanging out with boys) only in 3rd grade. All my friends were boys. Ah and then my first boyfriend, I had no idea what it meant besides kissing and being friends I guess. And doing favors. Hehe.
And then they turned out to be rude. (And a bad influence) Meaning: he playfully shoved me, I shoved him playfully back, he looked offended and sumo shoved me hard enough to make me fall down. (The first time the wind was knocked out of me actually) I was so pissed I fucking prissy ass stormed to the teacher and snitched him out so bad. Nothing happened and we laughed about it later. And then, I dumped him. Which was me saying: "I'm switching schools."
And I did.
Well I have exams, thanks for listening to my rants and crazy life. Goodnight/good morning/good afternoon!
