Fallen Woman[ON HOLD]

xli

dear reader

this is my forty-first week in grad school and i'm very unsteady.

today i had a little hike with my dear friend lili.

we also did a much-needed girls' talk.

because she always seemed to get me.

as well as put me in my place if needed. 

she truly is one of a kind.

and i'm so grateful for her.

lili: so, tell me, how are things with Mr. right?

me: don't call him that

lili: you do know that he is the right one, right?

me: i-i guess so

lili: okay, what's up?

me: he just seemed to think my mental illness is a small hill not a whole rock mountain

lili: how so?

me: well, he always says sh!t like "i'll be there until it passes" and "we'll climb it together" and it scares me to my core

lili: why does it scare you?

me: truly?

lili: yes

me: God says the exact same thing and while I hear him, I choose the easy way out; to ignore him and his words as I suffer through it

lili: and hearing Oliver say it scares you because...?

me: I don't want him to stick with me because of my illness

lili: believe me, he doesn't - he loves you

me: so does God lil

lili: you think God does? that he's there because you're wounded?

me: in a way, yes

lili: olivia...

me: don't say that, i know it's stupid and-

lili: no, it's stupid, nothing you feel is stupid

me: yet i feel so

lili: do you want to pray?

me: no

lili: do you want to go back?

me: no

lili: then what do you want?

me: i just want to be free from this pain

lili: oh, baby girl, come here

me: you're still not allowed to pray for me

lili: i make no promises

me: okay