ichi-go ichi-e

4

Five days.

Five days, 1530 hours, and eighteen seconds.

Nineteen..

Twenty.

Within that time, I have yet to see Ariana again. It's only been two days from the conversation I had with Lauren. I had thought I was going insane. It felt like I needed to see her presence to be satisfied.

It made my stomach turn, noticing the way I've already made her existence a source of my happiness, it wasn't fair.

I guess observing from the window was time consuming, I hadn't noticed that it now became something in my schedule. Maybe that's why I felt so distraught, because I wasn't doing what I normally scheduled.

I hated the way my heart took initiative into wanting her before even getting to know her, I felt so drawn and connected to her. It was killing me every second.

Ariana.
Ariana.
Ariana.

Her name kept being repeated in my head, almost like an echo. I felt my heart thumping faster than usual.

I kept playing the many scenarios in my head, on how our first conversation would start. Maybe she'd like it if I were to play cool, or be badass.

Maybe she'd prefer if I were the hard to get type.

If I know any better, I'd say that I was already falling for her, and that bothered me.

Why can't I just accept this? Why am I trying to push this away? It'll only make my feelings stronger.

Pen.
Pen.
Pen.

I need my pen, I needed to let this out. I felt my heart eating me alive from the inside and out.

Taking my bottom lip between my teeth, I sat down on my computer chair, reaching for my journal; flipping through the many pages to a new one.

I have a big heart , that is true. I live off of my emotions, let it consume me. It is so addicting, almost like a drug. When I let my emotions loose, it leaves a flood. I am unstable, that is true. But without you I am blue. Please come back to me, I miss you.