Come And See Me

what happened?

𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝙿𝚘𝚘𝚕

They look so happy. Everyone.

Happy to be together, to feel and look like a family. I always wonder if they were there, how would it be?

Would I have went through so much? Would I have the mindset I do now? Would I be so independent?

Overall, would I still be here?

I always ask myself those questions. Especially when I see the excitement shared between them with the kids. I always seem to be the one to sit on the sidelines.

It's not because i'm bitter or hurt, but because i'm confused.

The way my parents did us, I would say that I was hurt the most by it. That's just my opinion, I don't know how Lance felt because he never tells me about it.

Every time I would ask, he'll shut it down and say he's fine. But was he really?

I know I wasn't fine. Maybe he's like me, or i'm like him.

Doesn't open up to anyone.

It took me so long to tell Lance how I felt, and it wasn't even purposely when I did. I just have a big mouth and can't stop talking.

Seeing them play around in the water like we've always been great, gives me mixed emotions. Why are they ignoring the fact that we have issues?

But then again, why bring it up?

Both have good reasons.

They're acting like everything is fine because they don't want to confront their problems and admit them aloud.

But bringing them up would cause trauma and have us relive bad situations that we worked hard to forget.

I really don't know how to feel overall. My gut tells me to get away and be for myself. But my heart is saying to stay and be there in case things go left.

Deep down I pray that it all goes well and my parents keep their promise with the little ones. I don't really care anymore, i'm old enough to let go.

Even though I find it hard to.

I can admit to myself that i'm jealous, but no one else. It's no one's fault but my own for being as sensitive and heartfelt as I am.

Everyday I have to remind myself to be calm because there's more things to be thankful for. Instead of worrying about two people.

I have many more lives to be happy with. So many to fill in for them, even though no one can really take their spots.

"Nika watch this!" Nyla yelled. I looked up at her and she jumped into the pool. Smiling and holding up a thumb, to show that I saw her.

She's so excited.

They were dunking and playing games. I want to participate, but I don't know what's stoping me. Truly, I thought I would be okay with everything, but I don't know.

My thoughts start to run after some time. Ruining a child's fun would be so selfish of me.

"Nika can you come swim with me?" Mari came towards me. I know how to swim, I just don't do it often. "Right! Come on! You just sitting against the wall!" Megan pleaded.

I looked up and they were all looking at me. Well.

Robyn swam to me and rested her head on my
knees. "Are you okay?" I nodded my head while looking at her.