Sam I Am x Phillip Trousers

This is my first mission back in a while, I hope I haven't gotten rusty. Who am I kidding? Rusty? Me? I'm the Phillip Trousers! I'm sharp as a tack and quick as a fox. This is no big deal, it's just like any other mission. I think the rumors just have me worried. Apparently there's word of an enemy spy organization that's planning to strike at the same time as me. There's a rumor they're under new management. Apparently the original leader, Pam I Am, retired to an island somewhere. It's lead by her son now, supposedly. I knew Pam, she was a good spy, and a good enemy. I hope for her son to put up a similar fight. I threw on my suit jacket and went out to my boat. I have to get there before him. Why am I so nervous? Maybe I am getting rusty. I park my boat and tie it to the dock. Seriously? Oh this is so beneath me. I've done some crazy, and possibly stupid, things as a spy. I've went on missions wilder than any spy movie. I'm honestly the most experienced spy this organization has. And they send me here of all places. I look up at the sign. "Comedically Large Hammers and That's All We Sell" the sign read. What on Earth am I even supposed to find here? Hammers, oh forgive me, comedically large hammers? Let me check my orders again... aha! There it is! Apparently this place is being used to smuggle exotic creatures, and Pam's son wants to stop that. Wait, if I'm not the one stopping it, what am I doing? Maybe if I keep reading I'll find out. Oh right! Good idea me. Okay okay... so I'm supposed to stop him from stopping the smuggling. Shouldn't I want the smuggling to stop? Oh, this smuggling is helping to fund my spy organization. Well, that's unfortunate. But money is money, no matter where it comes from. I adjust my bow tie and grab the door knob. Locked. Of course. "It's a push not pull door," a voice says from behind me. I grab my gun and turn on my heels. "Woah woah! Take it easy! No need to get all violent there, buddy!" The man says. I slowly put my gun away. "So you must be Pam I Am's son," I say hesitantly. "That I am, I'm Sam. And you must be a James Bond parody!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Y'know, James Bond. Handsome, well dressed, British spy. Like you," Sam retorted. "Yes I'm aware who James Bond is, but I'm certainly no parody— did you just indirectly call me handsome?"
"And what if I did? What are you going to do about it? Huh?" He gave a grin that went ear to ear, and I felt my face flush from ear to ear. I'm too gay for this crap. "Well," he poked my chest, "it's been fun, but sadly this was a distraction." "Wait wait, what?!" I exclaimed. "Now Mom!" Sam shouted. On cue, the back door flung open. Out ran creature after creature, and leading it all, none other than Pam I Am. Of course she didn't actually retire. "Ah shiitake mushrooms," I muttered. Sam stared up at me, triumphantly. Why is he looking at me like that? "Sam, come on!" Pam shouted from her boat. "You can flirt later, we gotta go!" Flirt? This was flirting? I just missed my chance to flirt with a cute guy?! Wait, he's an enemy. Right. Focus. Where did he go? And he's already in the boat, great. I ran to my boat as fast as I could. I need to catch them. I cannot fail. I jumped in and chased after them. Before I knew it, my boat was beside there's. "So, was that actual flirting or all just part of the distraction?"
"I'd prefer not to discuss this in front of my Mom. Don't worry, you'll get your answer soon!" He called out before racing ahead of me. I've lost this one. I slowed my boat, allowing them to get away with the now free creatures. I walked into my home later that day. Feeling defeated and damp, I fell off my boat. What exactly did that mean? I'd get my answer soon. Maybe he wants to meet? Yeah! That has to be it! But where? Wait... why do I care? Sure he's cute, but he's also an enemy. Not to mention his mom is kinda like my main enemy and what not. Before I knew it, I drifted off to sleep. "The Comedically Large Hammer Store!" I shouted upon waking up. That was loud. That has to be where he wants to meet. I put on my nicest suit and tie. Why do I care how I look for this guy? It doesn't matter, what matters is finding out the answer. I'll go crazy if I don't know. I arrive at the store and look up to see that oh so familiar sign. Dang it! Why is this door still locked? Oh right, push not pull. Well even if there was no romance, at least he helped me with the door. I walk inside and look around. Why would somebody need a hammer half their size? "See something you like?" I spun around so quick I almost fell. "Sam!" More casual, Phillip! "Oh, hello Sam." He gave me his genuine smile. "Too late, you already sounded excited! No take backs!" He responded, wiggling his finger back and forth. "You have a wonderful smile, has anyone ever told you that?"
"Yep! I get told that all the time," he said. Well there went my flirting attempt. "But I like hearing it from you." He looked up at me. "You turn really red, has anyone ever told you that?" Sam said teasingly. Is this flirting? Is he flirting with me? "Can't say anyone has," I wasn't sure what else to say. I accompanied him as he browsed through the hammers. "You aren't seriously thinking of buying one of these, are you?" He looked offended. "Listen, I don't know what it's like in London, but here in America you never know when you'll need a comedically large hammer."
"Okay, well I know that isn't true."
"Fine. You caught me, I just really want one!"
"But... why?"
"Because, Phillip." He continued browsing. Because? That's it? Well then. We must've browsed hammers for at least 30 minutes, this store was much bigger than I had realized. He finally picked one out, it was almost as tall as him. Seriously, what could he possibly need it for?! We stood outside as he put his hammer into his boat. "So," I began. "Was it?" He looked confused. "Was what?" How do I even say this? "Was it actual flirting? Or was it really just a distraction? Am I... just a distraction to you?" He stared at me "What?" He started laughing. "Wh-what's so funny? I'm putting my heart out here for you and-and you're laughing?!" He calmed his laughter. "Well duh I'm laughing! You sound like a cheesy movie," he replied. I felt embarrassed. I was being a moron. "It was cute, though. You're cute, Phillip, even if you are an idiot." He gave a slight giggle. "You-you still didn't answer my question," I said. "Oh my dear lord, is it not obvious?"
"No! No it's not obvious! I would appreciate it if you would just—" he grabbed my jacket and pulled me into a kiss. After a few seconds, he let go of my jacket and I straightened my posture. "Does that mean it was flirting?" He busted out into laughter. "Yes it was flirting, idiot!" Oh! Oh no... "Oh my agency is so going to fire me for flirting with an enemy." This was very bad, I can't just lose my job over this. "Well," he began, "they might not fire you for flirting with an enemy spy, but they'll certainly fire you once they learn you're dating one." Huh? "I'm not dating anyone, certainly not an enemy."
"Do you want to? Because last I checked I'm single and ready to date a former enemy spy!" I felt the second my face turned red. He's asking me out. Don't blow this. "I would love to! Wait, former?" I was lost again. "I mean, you said it yourself, they'll fire you for this. I know my Mom's agency is hiring if you'd wanna be on the same team as your boyfriend, Phillip." Well, I do like what they stand for. And I certainly like Sam calling me his boyfriend. "Sure, why not!" Sam grabbed my hand and pulled me onto his boat. "So," Sam said. "Do you like green eggs and ham?"
"Can't say I've ever had it," I answered. He turned to me, dead serious. "Listen, if you're going to be my boyfriend, that's gotta change." I laughed. "Then I guess it will."