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Its been a minute

A few months ago, I was so bad I nearly went to far to come back from. But since than, I had been doing well. It wasn't hurting so much, I was feeling worth something in the world. Like I had a reason to stay. But even after today. The long ass day that I had. I had to come back and do homework. And what for. For a future that I can't even guarantee is gonna work out. For thousands of dollars in debt for a chance that my degrees do something for me? I started falling asleep while doing my homework, and while falling asleep, I thought, "Why don't I just put a bullet in my head. What's stopping me". A lot honestly, but that thought after the great day I had. It doesn't make sense. And I wanna cry, but my body doesn't agree. But it also does. Every thought brings me to the brink of shedding a tear, than it stops. It never leaves my eye. I saw a video earlier. The video implied sewer slide. They called their loved one and said goodbye. While I was watching it. I imagined what the person on the other end of the phone would have felt in that moment. How would I personally ever do that to someone. If I was gonna go, I couldn't call them. Because I have felt that fear before and nothing makes you feel more sick, helpless, useless, and devastated than that phone call because you can't do anything to save them. But how could I not say goodbye. Imagine their having a great day, just got off work, their having dinner with their loved ones and they get a call. A call to ruin their lives. And they didnt even know that person was struggling. How that could easily fuck someone else up. But here's my thing. In all of this, I'm only ever thinking of others feelings. Its like my own don't exist. Because they really don't. Most my strong emotions come from cosplaying. And god I fear going live again so much after last time. I don't even know when I picked up such a care for what others think but I'm scared of posting my own videos now. Its gotten to the point I post and close the app and leave my phone alone because I don't wanna see the likes popping up and I fear a negative comment that I can't counteract. I don't know when I started caring. But god when people tell you that its the worst feeling. It is. Because I love cosplaying. But its also become such a fear. Its the place I go when I wanna die and its the place I'm afraid people will tell me to die. I really wanna find comfort in my favorite shows but I can't even watch them anymore because they got taken down and I can't convince myself to commit to anything new. And off topic. I'm really just ranting. But I'm so scared to ask the guy I like on a date. He already asked me but it was like a week into talking and I was to scared to say yes. Its been over a month now and he's still here. I genuinely like him and I haven't felt like this in over 3 years. I'm terrified to try again. And yeah... Sometimes I miss my ex. But not for the loving reason. Yeah he was my first actual bf but I miss him because I knew I could trust him with absolutely anything. He was weird and so was I. No matter what I said, he supported it. God I was so lucky to have dated him. He was great. But I fell out of love, and no matter how great he was, I would never date someone I didnt love. Not for myself but for them. Its not right to lead them on. But this guy, he's so nice, and he remembers things about me that I forgot I've even said to him.  How can I compete with that. I forget things instantly. I know I like him, but what if its not mutual and what if when we meet in person... We don't click. I'm so scared for that. God, covid fucked me up, I used to be able to adapt to those situations. I was always an introvert but it got worse when I was locked in my house. I mean, I loved it. I was always away from others and I got to finally do the things I liked to do. Covid is why I started cosplaying. But before, I used to be able to go into unknown situations and not be terrified. I used to walk up and make a friend like it was nothing. I never had problems with that before. But now, I can't even hold eye contact in public and I spend all my time with my friends from highschool. Even in college, I don't have any friends on campus because I can't even keep a simple conversation going. I was always the sit in the front of class stright A student. But in college, I sit in the middle of the room and try to avoid my teachers eye contact because once they spot you, your done for. I found comfort in drawing because of this. Can't make me answer a question I don't know the answer too if I never look at you. Honestly. I didnt even realize I had this much to rant about. I haven't really been able to talk to anyone emotionally so its all just been building up. Idk, I miss my friends man. And I want a relationship so bad. But I'm so scared of even saying Hey now without feeling like I'm gonna do or say something wrong. Welcome to anxiety. Its so so so fun.